


I wouldn't change anything

by Ailendolin



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Childbirth, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Major Original Character(s), Torture, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-04-23 06:56:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14327031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailendolin/pseuds/Ailendolin
Summary: So, when was the last time you and Gabriel had a little fun in the bedroom?”It’s Philippa’s grin that makes Katrina pick up the nearest pillow and throw it at her face. “That’s none of your business, Pippa!”Philippa rolls her eyes but her grin remains. “He’s been gone, what? Eight weeks?”“Yes,” Katrina grinds out. Her gaze falls to her stomach. “You really think I could be pregnant?”AU of Season 1 where Gabriel and Katrina have been together since their Academy days and have a child.





	1. Stomach flu

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! First of all I wanted to say thank you again to all of you who have left kudos and comments on my other Kat / Gabriel stories. That's so amazing! I promised you another story and here it finally is. Family!Fic! Whoohoo! The first chapter deals with pregnancy and childbirth (though not especially vividly, I think), so if that's not your thing you should probably skip it. Starting with chapter two we'll jump ahead to the show's timeframe, starting with the Battle of the Binary Stars and go from there. 
> 
> As you probably know by now I'm not a native speaker and I don't have a beta, so there are bound to be mistakes. I apologize in advance for this. 
> 
> The title comes from the song of the same name from the musical The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned here and make no profit with this work. The characters and settings are property of CBS.

**I wouldn't change anything**

**Chapter 1: Stomach flu**

„Want some chocolate cake?“

Katrina takes one look at the cake and feels her stomach rolling. Swallowing hard, she shakes her head. “Thanks, Pippa, but not today.”

Philippa frowns at her. “You never pass up my cake, Kat. You love my cake. You _live_ for my cake.”

“I know,” Katrina says, flopping down on Philippa’s couch with a sigh. “I have no idea what’s wrong with me. It’s like, the closer I get to the day I’ll take command of the _Goodall_ , the worse I feel. I guess I’m more nervous about captaining a ship than I thought I’d be.”

“Nervous?” Philippa gives her a look that clearly states she doesn’t believe a word Katrina says. “I’ve never seen you nervous about anything. Not the _Kobayashi Maru_ , not your first assignment on a starship … oh, wait, I do remember one occasion,” she grins. “Your first date with Gabriel.”

Katrina groans. “Don’t remind me. That day was a disaster.”

“I know,” Philippa says sweetly. “I still can’t believe you two managed to sank a pedal boat.” Grinning, she takes a bite of her cake and Katrina pointedly looks away. She presses a hand against her stomach in hopes of calming it. For a few seconds Philippa stares at her thoughtfully before she puts her fork down. Much to Katrina’s relief she pushes the cake away. “Is it really that bad?”

Katrina shrugs. “Honestly? It comes and goes, depending on the food I eat or the way it smells,” she says. “I really don’t know why.”

Philippa ponders that for a moment. “Is it worse in the morning?”

All Katrina can do is blink at her friend. “I am not pregnant, Pippa,” she states matter-of-factly. “And before you say anything else: yes, I’m sure. I just had my period last week.”

“You do know that some women continue to bleed when they’re pregnant, right?” Philippa says, clearly unimpressed. “It happens. So, when was the last time you and Gabriel had a little fun in the bedroom?”

It’s Philippa’s grin that makes Katrina pick up the nearest pillow and throw it at her face. “That’s none of your business, Pippa!”

Philippa rolls her eyes but her grin remains. “He’s been gone, what? Eight weeks?”

“Yes,” Katrina grinds out. Her gaze falls to her stomach. “You really think I could be pregnant?”

Philippa shrugs. “Contraceptives are known to fail. Wouldn’t be the first time. Only one way to be sure, though,” she adds pointedly.

With a sigh, Katrina pushes herself off the couch, knowing Philippa won’t let this go. “Starfleet Medical it is, then.”

“Glad you agree,” Philippa says approvingly. “Want to contact Gabriel before we head out?”

“And say what?” Katrina asks. “ _Hey, Gabriel, Pippa thinks I might be pregnant but I’m fairly certain it’s just a stomach flu?_ Sure, that’ll go over well.”

“Your call …” is all Philippa says before she ushers her out of the door.

* * *

“Fairly certain, huh?”

“Shut up, Pippa,” Katrina snaps as they step out into the sunshine, the tall building of Starfleet Medical looming behind them.

Philippa chuckles. “I’m beginning to think I missed my true calling and should have become a doctor.” When Katrina doesn’t react and just keeps walking she catches her by the arm. “Kat, slow down. We’re not on the run here. What’s wrong?”

Katrina whirls around. “What’s wrong? My whole life just got turned upside down, Pippa. I was supposed to get my first command and now I’m on desk duty because that stupid hypospray didn’t work! That’s what’s wrong.”

She frees her arm and steps away, not caring whether Philippa keeps up with her or not. Her mind is a whirlwind of emotions that are screaming at her from all directions. One by one her dreams come crashing down around her and the life she so carefully planned out for herself crumbles and falls apart – and all she can do is stand by helplessly and watch it happen. She wants to scream, to vent, to blame that tiny being inside her for ruining her life, and for one horrible second she wishes it wasn’t there, wishes things could go back to normal and she didn’t have to be responsible for another life she never even wanted in the first place.

Then it hits her, her selfishness and self-pity and the terrible, horrible thoughts they created, and she stops. Her eyes blur with heavy guilt and all she can think of is, ‘ _I’m sorry. I’m sorry’._

“Katrina?” Philippa asks tentatively as she catches up with her. “You can talk to me. You know that, right?”

Katrina shakes her head, still reeling from her own thoughts. “I can’t. If I do I’ll just start crying, and that’s the last thing I need right now.”

“Oh, Kat,” Philippa breathes and before Katrina knows what’s happening her best friend draws her into a hug. Just like that her resolve crumbles and she buries her face into Philippa’s shoulder. “It’ll be alright,” Philippa murmurs, gently stroking up and down her back in a comforting manner. “Just let it out. Let it all out. That’s it.”

It feels like an eternity until Katrina has no more tears to shed and draws back. She wipes a hand across her eyes and sniffs. “That’s what I wanted to prevent,” she mumbles, but she feels better, lighter somehow.

Philippa grabs her hand and squeezes it. “Let’s blame it on the hormones.”

* * *

“Are you sure you’re alright on your own until Gabriel calls?”

Katrina nods. “I’m sure, Pippa. See? I’m even eating something.” To prove her point she holds up a half-eaten sandwich. “I promise I’ll be okay.”

“Alright,” Philippa smiles. “But if you need me, don’t hesitate to call, okay? Day, night – doesn’t matter. I’m here for you. And Gabriel will be, too, you’ll see. You’re not alone in this.”

“Thanks, Pippa,” Katrina says, heartfelt.

Philippa pulls her into a hug. “Anytime, Kat. I’m so happy for you.”

Katrina watches her best friend leave and sighs. Happy … she’s not sure she’s quite there yet, but thanks to Philippa she’s managed to slowly come to terms with the fact that a baby is going to determine the course of her life now and that that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Philippa had been so patient with her; she quietly listened as Katrina voiced all her doubts and fears and regrets before gently pointing out all the wonderful changes a baby brings until Katrina no longer felt overwhelmed by it all. In the end she accepted her fate and felt calmer for it.

Now she only has to tell Gabriel – as if it were that simple.

In the beginning of their relationship, all those years ago, they’d briefly talked about starting a family and Gabriel had assured her that one day he would love to be a dad. That had been it, though. They’d agreed that their careers would come first and until now they had. Just a month ago Katrina made captain and right now Gabriel is the first officer of the _Attenborough_ and off on a six month mission. The topic of babies and starting a family never came up again, with both of them too busy to pursue their career paths. They’d never discussed what it would mean to raise a child under these circumstances, or if they even wanted to anymore. It makes Katrina’s stomach churn with worry. What if Gabriel had changed his mind since they got together? What if they were too old, too independent to turn their lives around and put someone else first? What if Gabriel didn’t want it?

Her computer alerts her to an incoming call. ‘ _Punctual as always_ ,’ Katrina thinks as she glances at the clock. Taking a deep breath, she hits a button and forces her lips into a smile that hopefully doesn’t betray her nervousness.

“Kat!” Gabriel greets her happily the moment his face appears on screen. God, she’d missed him. “You look radiant today.”

Katrina almost winces at his choice of words. “And you look tired. How was your day?”

He shrugs. “Same old, same old. Explored some new planets, made some scientific breakthroughs – you know the drill.”

“Oh, the hard life of a science officer,” Katrina mocks. “You poor thing.”

Gabriel grins at her. “What about you? Already excited about taking command of the _Goodall_?”

The smile slips off her face. “About that. There’s been a change of plans. I won’t be commanding the _Goodall_ , after all.”

“What?” Gabriel asks. He frowns. “Why not? Who the hell do those pompous gits at Starfleet Headquarters think they are to take your ship away from you?”

Although Katrina’s heart warms at his protective outrage she holds up her hand to stop him. “They didn’t do anything, Gabriel. We did, actually.”

“We did?” he echoes her words in confusion. “What does that mean?”

Katrina smiles at him nervously. “Hold on, I’m sending you a file.”

After a few commands a video of her ultrasound examination travels light years across the galaxy. She can pinpoint the exact moment Gabriel receives it. At first he frowns in confusion, then his eyes grow wide and all color drains from his face. “Is that,” Gabriel swallows hard. “Is that what I think it is?”

Katrina nods. “Remember how I told last week I felt ill? It didn’t let up and I talked to Pippa about it today and she suggested I go to Medical to get it checked out. Turns out I’m eleven weeks pregnant.”

“Pregnant,” Gabriel whispers, sounding completely overwhelmed. Katrina knows the feeling well. “How is that possible? You’re on contraception injections.”

“You’re telling me,” Katrina huffs. “The best the doctor could come up with was that one of the injections was faulty. But the how doesn’t really matter, does it? That baby’s not going to go away, Gabriel.”

“No, it’s not.” Slowly a smile forms on his lips as her words sink in. “A baby,” he repeats. “Oh god, we’re getting a baby!” His eyes light up in excitement as he stares at her in wonder. “This is amazing, Kat!”

A weight lifts off Katrina’s shoulders when she hears him say that. She hadn’t really believed Gabriel would be angry about this but despite that the doubts had still lingered in the back of her mind until now. Relieved, she smiles at him. “It is a bit, isn’t it?” She places her hands on her stomach, still flat, and imagines the little life nestled safely inside.

“But the _Goodall_ ,” Gabriel suddenly says, voice full of regret and sympathy. “They’re going to station you on Earth, aren’t they?”

Katrina nods. “Medical already informed Command. I expect my new orders tomorrow.”

“I’m so sorry, Kat,” Gabriel says. “I know how much you looked forward to your first command.”

“Yeah,” Katrina agrees, feeling a pang of regret. “Now instead of my first ship I’ll get my first baby. What a trade-off, huh?”

Gabriel regards her quietly for a moment. “You’re taking this surprisingly well,” he notices.

Katrina snorts. “You should have seen me earlier. Two words: public breakdown. Pippa spent the last couple of hours talking me down and reassuring me this is not the end of the world.”

“Oh, darling.” Gabriel winces in sympathy. “Let me talk to Captain Barlow, see if I can get leave. You shouldn’t be alone with this.”

“There’s no need,” Katrina reassures him. When she sees the hurt look in his eyes she hurries to add, “Not that I don’t want you here, because I do, Gabriel. I always do, you know that. What I mean is you don’t need to rush home. I’m alright, the baby’s alright and Pippa still has four weeks left of her medical leave and already promised to be there for me.” She takes a deep breath. “There’s no reason for both of us to cut our dreams short. I know how much that mission means to you and I want you to see it through to the end.”

Gabriel frowns at her and shakes his head. “Kat, I’ll be out here another three months,” he quietly reminds her.

Katrina knows that, has thought about it a lot since this morning, and even talked about it with Philippa. A part of her wants nothing more than to have Gabriel at her side but if she looks at it from a rational, objective point of view she knows they’re both going to spend the majority of their time at work, not seeing each other, whether Gabriel is on Earth or not. Apart from having someone to come home to it wouldn’t be so different from what they have now. She’d love that, of course she would, but she can’t help thinking that it would be terribly selfish of her to tell him to come home just so she’ll have a hand to hold onto when things get a little too much. And she’s done with selfish thoughts. No, she wants to do this for Gabriel, wants him to have this chance because they both know it might very well lead to his own promotion to captain and he deserves that.

“I’ll be pregnant for another seven months,” she finally says with a lop-sided smile. “You’ll be home just in time to see me growing huge like a whale and wait on me night and day.”

Her words have the desired effect, because Gabriel smirks. “Wait on you night and day, huh? You wish, darling.”

“It was worth a try,” she grins. “So, you’ll stay?”

Gabriel sighs and Katrina knows she’s won. “On two conditions,” he says, holding up two fingers. “First, I want to be included in everything. I’m going to miss so much, so you better send me all the baby bump pictures, ultrasounds and whatever else happens during pregnancies.” For a brief second, a look of panic crosses his face. “God, I have a lot of reading to do.”

Katrina snorts. “You want daily updates on my morning sickness as well?”

“Of course,” Gabriel says immediately, completely serious. “I want to be part of all of it, Kat. Though you can go easy on the pictures on that front.”

“Thought so,” she chuckles. “What’s your second condition?”

“I want us to tell my parents,” he says. “Not today, not tomorrow, but I want them to know by the time Pippa is back on the _Shenzhou_ so you’re not completely alone and have someone to go to if things get rough.”

Katrina hadn’t even thought about what she’ll do once Philippa’s gone. Most of her friends are stationed on starbases or starships across the galaxy and live too far away to be able to come by at a minute’s notice, and she doesn’t have any family left since her parents died in a shuttle accident five years ago. Gabriel’s parents had been there for her during that difficult time, helping her organize the funeral and giving her a place to stay so she didn’t have to be alone until Gabriel came home from his mission. Martin and Deliah Lorca had welcomed her with open arms into their family then and Katrina has no doubts they will do so again. She smiles. “I’m supposed to meet them on Wednesday for dinner. We can tell them then if you like? You could call in at eight ...”

“Sounds like a plan,” Gabriel smiles. “They’re going to be beside themselves with excitement.”       

Katrina laughs. “You think?”

“Have you met my parents?” Gabriel asks with a smirk.

“Touché,” Katrina says. “So Wednesday it is. There are some other things we need to talk about, though – parental leave, for one. That baby’s going to need us for a long time and we’ve got to make some changes in our lives and –”

Gabriel holds up a hand to stop her. “I know,” he says, “and I promise you we’ll talk about all of that but not today, alright? It’s a lot to take in. Give me some time to think about everything before we make any decisions?”

“Of course,” Katrina agrees. “Sorry, my thoughts keep running away from me today.”

“It’s alright,” Gabriel smiles reassuringly. They’re both quiet for a moment, just looking at each other. Then Gabriel’s eyes soften. “I can’t believe we’ve made a tiny life against all odds.”

Before he can say anything more, the lights behind him change to red alert. “What’s going on?” Katrina asks, unable to keep a note of fear out of her voice.

“I don’t know,” Gabriel says, “but I’ve got to go to the bridge. I’ll talk to you tomorrow evening, alright?”

Katrina nods despite her anxiety and places her hand against the screen. “I love you. Be safe.”

“I love you, too,” Gabriel tells her, laying his hand above hers from a million miles away. “Both of you.”

They share one last look before the screen goes blank. Katrina leans back in her chair and puts her hands protectively over her stomach, praying he’ll be fine.

* * *

“Can I help you with anything?”

Deliah smiles and shakes her head. “No need, love. You just sit and rest. Martin and I can manage.”

“Are you sure?” Katrina asks, trying and failing not to sound as desperate for something to do as she is. “I could make the salad?”

Martin and Deliah share a look. “Alright,” Deliah sighs, handing her salad, vegetables, a bowl and a knife. “But I want you to sit down. You’re looking a bit pale today, Katrina. Did the doctor say anything?”

“Just that I’m supposed to rest more,” Katrina says, reaching for the salad. “I’m on medical leave for the rest of the week.”

“You don’t sound too happy about that,” Martin notices.

“That’s because I’m not,” Katrina says. “You don’t believe how boring it is to sit at home all day doing nothing but _rest_.” She practically spits out the last word.

Deliah sighs before she puts her knife down and sits down next to her. “Did I ever tell you about my pregnancy with Gabriel?” Katrina shakes her head. “The doctors ordered me on strict bed rest due to some complications – for five months. I was allowed to go to the bathroom and that was it. It was awful.”

Martin sits down next to her and puts an arm around her shoulders. “Lying around all day drove her crazy and in return she drove me crazy,” he laughs.

“You can only read so many novels and knit so many baby clothes before it gets tedious, you know?” Deliah adds with a grin. “But let me share a secret with you, Katrina. In the end, it was all worth it. When Gabriel was born all those long boring hours didn’t matter anymore. There was this tiny little baby in my arms with the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen and I just fell in love with him.”

Katrina smiles at her, feeling a little abashed. “And here I am complaining about having to take things slow for a few days.”

Deliah reaches for her hand. “It’s okay to feel frustrated. It’s normal. I just want you to know that it’s worth it and you’re going to forget all about it the moment you lay eyes on your little one.”

“And until then,” Martin says, his mischievous smile reminding Katrina painfully of Gabriel, “we have a little surprise for you. I’m pretty sure your medical leave will be a blessing in disguise.”

Katrina frowns at him. “What do you mean?”

Gabriel’s parents smile at her. “Turn around.”

She does and the knife in her hand clatters to the ground. “Gabriel?”

“Surprise!” he grins, holding out his arms.

Katrina pushes her chair back and rushes over to him. For the first time in six months he pulls her close and holds her tightly and just like that her worries and frustrations fade away. “You’re not supposed to be back for another five days!”

“I heard my girls needed me so I hurried on home,” Gabriel whispers into her ear. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” Katrina says. She pulls back, huffs out a disbelieving laugh, and kisses him.

When they separate Gabriel’s hands move down her sides and come to rest on her stomach. Katrina bites her lip as she watches him lean close and press a short, reverent kiss just above her belly button. “Hello, baby girl. Your daddy’s finally home.”

“And _your_ daddy is still waiting for his hug,” Martin reminds his son.

Gabriel laughs and gives Katrina another kiss before he turns around and embraces both his parents.

“It’s good to have you home, Gabriel,” Deliah smiles.

Katrina couldn’t agree more.

* * *

“Ugh, I hate you!”

Gabriel pats her hand gently. “I know, Kat. I hate myself, too.”

Katrina glares at him as another contraction makes her groan. “You better,” she pants. “This is your fault.”

“Well, biologically speaking I think we’re both res–“ He stops abruptly when he sees the look in her eyes. “Right, my fault it is.”

They’ve been at Starfleet Medical for ten hours now and Katrina’s tired, uncomfortable and in pain. She’d known giving birth wouldn’t be easy but she hadn’t been prepared for their daughter to take so long to come into the world. Right now the only thing keeping her going is the warmth of Gabriel’s hand in hers and Deliah’s reassurance that the moment her daughter is born nothing else will matter.

“Almost there,” the doctor tells her for what feels like the hundredth time.

Katrina gives him a look. “If you say that one more time I’ll – ah!”

It feels like her insides are ripping apart and she holds onto Gabriel’s hand for dear life.

“I can see the head!” the doctor announces, ignoring her half-formed threats. “Captain, I need you to push one final time.”

Katrina looks helplessly at Gabriel. “I don’t think I can,” she says, panting heavily, feeling scared. “I can’t, Gabriel.”

Gabriel smiles at her, calm and steadfast. “Yes, you can. You’re the strongest person I know, Kat. One more push and she’ll be here.”

Tears fill her eyes as she feels another contraction begin. She gathers all her strength, pushes and screams. And just like that it is over and while her own voice falters another rises up, crying loudly in protest. It’s the most beautiful sound Katrina’s ever heard.

“Congratulations,” the doctor smiles. “You have a healthy baby girl.”

Before Katrina has really realized what happened the doctor places her daughter in her arms. The little girl hiccups twice before settling down and Katrina can do nothing but stare at this little wonder. She doesn’t notice Gabriel cutting the umbilical cord or the doctor placing a blanket over both her and the baby. She only has eyes for her daughter.

“She’s so beautiful,” Gabriel whispers in awe. He reaches out a finger and their daughter latches onto it, holding tight. “Look, Kat, she’s just as strong as you. And she has your hair,” he says, lightly touching the dark dusting of hair on the baby’s delicate head.

Their daughter blinks up at them. “And your eyes,” Katrina breathes. “How did we manage to make something so perfect?”

Gabriel smirks. “With lots of practice?”

Katrina laughs, almost giddy with happiness, and kisses him. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Gabriel whispers. Turning to his daughter he adds, “Daddy’s back in Mommy’s good graces again. Isn’t that great?”

The baby gurgles in agreement and Gabriel stares at her, completely besotted. Katrina can’t remember a moment in her life that was more perfect than this.

* * *

“Oh my god, is that her?” Philippa gushes. She leans closer to the monitor. “Turn her around Gabriel, I can’t see her!”

Gabriel laughs and obediently angles his arms so that Philippa can get a better look at the baby. “Pippa, meet Samantha,” he says proudly.

Philippa sighs happily. “I can’t believe how cute she is! Oh look, she’s smiling at me! Hello, Sam! It’s your Auntie Pippa!”

Katrina shares a look with Gabriel. “Speaking of Auntie Pippa,” she begins, feeling a little nervous. “Little Sam here is still looking for a godmother. Any chance you’d be interested in the job?”

Philippa’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Katrina and Gabriel both nod. “Really.”

Philippa’s gaze moves from them to the little bundle in Gabriel’s arms. She smiles softly, completely enamored with the baby. “It would be my honor to be her godmother.”

“We hoped you’d say that,” Katrina says happily. “Thanks, Pippa. That really means a lot to us.”

“Well, how could I say no to such a beautiful little girl,” Philippa coos. “Who’d have thought Gabriel could make something so cute?”

“Haha,” Gabriel deadpans. Philippa only grins at him.

“When will you be back on Earth?” Katrina asks, readjusting her position on the couch in an attempt to get more comfortable.

Philippa thinks about that for a moment. “Ten days, two weeks tops. We caught some flak yesterday – nothing serious,” she hurries to reassure when she sees their worried looks, “but it depends on how fast the engineers can get the _Shenzhou_ up to maximum speed again.”

“Let us know when you’ll arrive, alright?” Gabriel asks. “We’ll come pick you up.”

“That’ll be great,” Philippa smiles. “I can’t wait to see all three of you. It’s been too long.”

When the call ends Katrina leans back against the couch and closes her eyes. “That went well.”

“It did,” Gabriel agrees, sitting down next to her. “Here, your daughter is getting fussy. I think she’s hungry.”

Katrina raises an eyebrow as she takes Sam. “My daughter?”

Gabriel shrugs. “When it comes to dinner, yes. But don’t worry, she’ll require daddy’s talents at nappy-changing soon, I’m sure.”

Katrina laughs, careful not to jostle her daughter too much during feeding. “True enough .”

Gabriel moves a little closer so he can rest his head on her shoulder. He looks at Sam with doting eyes. “She is absolutely perfect, isn’t she?”

“She is,” Katrina agrees softly. “I can’t believe I ever thought my career could be more important than her.”

Gabriel’s eyes meet hers. “You don’t want to get back out there?”

“Not right now, no,” Katrina says. “Maybe in a year or two. You?”

Gabriel smiles. “I’m exactly where I want to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a few little tidbits of trivia.   
> -The ship names Goodall and Attenborough come from two of my personal conservation heroes, Dr. Jane Goodall and Sir David Attenborough.  
> \- The name of Kat and Gabriel's daughter comes from the main character of the musical The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown and also from Samantha Carter of Stargate SG-1, one of my favorite characters of all times).  
> \- I don't know if the Discovery novel mentions names for Gabriel's parents (haven't read it yet), so I chose Martin and Deliah. Martin is inspired by Martin Freeman and Deliah comes from a character from Call the Midwife because I think it's a pretty name.  
> \- Captain Barlow is actually inspired by Miranda Barlow from Black Sails, so if anyone has seen that show, that's what she looks like.
> 
> And that's it, I think. I really hope you enjoy this story and it's particular premise. I will try to stay as close as I can to what happens in the show in the following chapters, so stay tuned for the Battle of the Binary Stars and its fallout.


	2. War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your kudos and comments on the first chapter! I don't have a lot of time right now to work on this story but your feedback is highly motivating and got me writing again, so thanks for that! 
> 
> Enjoy chapter 2 where things go from fluff to angst.

**Chapter 2: War**

“It’s so good to have you back again,” Katrina sighs as Gabriel pulls her into a hug. She closes her eyes and melts against him.

“It’s good to be back,” Gabriel agrees before he presses a kiss to her temple.

The gesture still makes her heart flutter in the same way it had the first time he’d done it, decades ago. It never fails to amaze her that the novelty of it had never worn off in all this time. With a small, content smile Katrina pulls back a little to look at Gabriel and take in every feature she has missed for way too long. “Ready to go home?” she finally asks. “We have three hours before our daughter gets back from class.”

“Is that so?” Gabriel asks with a grin and a raised eyebrow. “I wonder what we might do with all that time to ourselves …”

Katrina bites her lip to hide her excitement and entwines their hands. “I’m sure we’ll think of something.”

The walk home is a blessedly short one. Almost twenty years ago they’d chosen their flat for its closeness to Starfleet Headquarters and they’ve never regretted that decision, least of all now. The moment the door closes behind them Gabriel pushes her against it and kisses her so deeply it leaves her breathless.

“God, I’ve missed you,” he murmurs between kisses. “These three month missions are a pain.”

“Agreed,” Katrina breathes, breaking away from his mouth only to leave a trail of kisses down his neck while her fingers make short work of his uniform jacket. She’s about to pull his undershirt up and over his head, touching sensitive pale skin with her fingertips in the process, when her computer gives off a shrill emergency signal. Startled, she stops mid-motion and looks at Gabriel.

“Please ignore it,” he whispers into her ear before placing an open-mouthed kiss behind it.

Her knees go weak and for a moment she is torn between following her desire to expose more of his skin or her sense of duty. Her computer pings again and Katrina sighs. Reluctantly, she steps back and brings some distance between them. “You know I can’t.”

After straightening her uniform she gives him a quick kiss before she makes her way over to her work station. An uneasy feeling settles in her stomach and she exchanges one last apprehensive look with Gabriel before she takes the call. To her surprise Ambassador Sarek’s face appears on the screen.

“Admiral,” Sarek says as he inclines his head.

“Ambassador,” Katrina returns his formal greeting. “I take it this is not a social call?”

She has known Sarek for years now, worked closely with him on Federation matters since she made admiral, and over time she and Gabriel had become close friends with him and his wife Amanda. They’d even visited Vulcan once when Sam was old enough for space travel. Neither Sarek nor his children had been prepared for the whirlwind Samantha Lorca was. She’d quickly declared the Vulcans’ ideas of fun exceptionally boring and proceeded to show them how to really play. Suffice to say Spock had been more than a little confused by this strange small human’s antics, and Michael, regarding Spock somewhat as a role model when it came to Vulcan customs, had copied her brother’s reaction. They’d started arguing with Sam about the logic of throwing balls at each other and Sam, in the only way a five-year-old knew how to help herself, had ended the conversation by hitting Spock straight in the face with the ball. Even now, years later, Katrina and Amanda still had a good laugh about their children’s disastrous playdate whenever they got together.

“I am afraid it is not,” Sarek says, bringing Katrina out of her memory. His face doesn’t give anything away but Katrina has known him long enough to pick up on the undertone in his voice. Sarek sounds shaken, something she never thought she’d witness. “Are you alone?”

She shakes her head. “Gabriel just came home from the _Buran_ ’s latest mission. Do you need me to send him out?”

Sarek contemplates that for a moment before he shakes his head. “There is no need. Captain Lorca and the rest of the Federation will hear of this soon enough.”

“That doesn’t sound ominous at all,” Gabriel murmurs as he comes over. He pulls up a chair and sits down next to Katrina with his uniform once more in place.

Sarek regards them both quietly before he begins. “Earlier today, the _Shenzhou_ encountered a Klingon vessel in Federation space and called for aid. Eleven starships answered the call and were engaged in battle with over twenty warbirds. The _Clarke_ , _Edison_ , _Europa_ , _Shenzhou_ , _Shran_ , _T’Plana-Hath_ and _Yeager_ were subsequently destroyed.”

For a second Katrina forgets how to breathe. Dread pools in her stomach as the implication of Sarek’s words sinks in: seven destroyed starships mean a staggering amount of casualties; seven destroyed starships mean too many funerals of friends and loved ones; seven destroyed starships mean an act of war. Blindly, her hand searches for Gabriel’s underneath the table. “And the Klingons?”

“Suffered losses as well. Commander Burnham managed to kill their leader, T’Kuvma,” Sarek says.

“Is Michael alright?” Gabriel asks.

Sarek doesn’t answer immediately. “Commander Burnham is physically alright but will face charges for mutiny,” he finally says, voice heavy.

“Mutiny?” Gabriel echoes. “That can’t be right. We all know Michael practically worships the ground Pippa walks on.”

Suddenly, Sarek looks incredibly weary. “Commander Burnham tried to incapacitate Captain Georgiou so she could open fire on the Klingons without being provoked first.”

Gabriel winces. “Wow. That’s … bad.”

“What about Pippa?” Katrina has to ask. “Did she make it out as well?”

Sarek’s pause tells her everything she needs to know. Her eyes begin to sting. “When Captain Georgiou and Commander Burnham beamed onto the Klingon vessel together they were ambushed and Captain Georgiou was killed. We were unable to retrieve her body.”

“No,” Katrina whispers, turning to Gabriel helplessly. “Oh no.”

“Are we sure she is dead?” Gabriel asks, clinging to a shred of hope. “Maybe she was taken prisoner.”

Sarek shakes his head. “Commander Burnham confirmed it.”

Katrina closes her eyes in a desperate attempt to keep the tears at bay. Pippa was supposed to come home next week, just in time for Sam’s birthday. They’d already made plans to go to Sam’s favorite restaurant and treat her to a camping trip the following weekend. None of that would happen now. She would never see her friend again, never hear her laugh, never hold her in her arms and tell how grateful she was for her friendship and support throughout the years.

“We have to tell Nikos,” she whispers, not knowing why her mind latches onto that of all things. “He shouldn’t have to hear it from the news.”

Gabriel squeezes her hand to get her attention. “We also have to tell Sam,” he says in a quiet, subdued voice, looking as shell-shocked as she feels.

“How?” Katrina asks him. “How are we supposed to do that?”

Gabriel shrugs weakly. “I have no idea.”

“There is more,” Sarek says solemnly. “We are at war now. All Starfleet vessels are scheduled to join the fleet as soon as possible. That includes the _Buran_.”

The color drains from Katrina’s face. “But Gabriel just got back! The _Buran_ isn’t ready to head out again so soon!”

Sarek’s face softens a little. “I know, Katrina, but those are the orders. They’ll be expecting you at Headquarters in three hours as well.”

“God,” she says, hiding her face in her hands. “This is a nightmare.”

Sarek nods. “I have more calls to make. I will see you in an hour, Admiral.”

He ends the transmission and Katrina slowly turns to Gabriel. “Please tell me I’m dreaming.”

“I wish I could,” he says and draws her into his arms. “Pippa … I can’t believe it.”

Safe in his embrace Katrina hides her face in his shoulder and allows herself to grieve. “A week, Gabriel,” she sobs. “Just a week and she would have been safe. She would have been _home_.” She draws back and brings her hands up to frame his face, tracing his tears. “Thank god you weren’t there.”

She pulls him into a kiss that tastes of grief and sorrow.

* * *

A little over two hours later their front door opens and a cheerful voice calls out, “Mom, Dad, I’m home! You better be decent!”

Katrina chuckles wetly and feels Gabriel squeeze her hand. She looks at him, drawing strength from his touch and solid presence at her side as their daughter walks into the living room. Sam’s steps falter when she sees their faces. “What’s wrong?”

Gabriel smiles softly as he stands up and draws her into his arms. “Hello, sweetheart,” he greets her with a heartfelt whisper.

“Hi, Dad,” Sam says, sounding a little unsure. Her eyes meet Katrina’s over Gabriel’s shoulder and she can see her daughter’s confusion and apprehension as clear as day in them. “Are you alright? You’re not sick, are you?” Sam asks, leaning back to look at her father.

Gabriel shakes his head. “I’m fine, but there is something we have to tell you.”

“Please sit down,” Katrina says, petting the empty space next to her.

“What’s going on?” Sam asks, looking back and forth between them. “You’re scaring me.”

Katrina’s eyes briefly meet Gabriel’s before she takes a deep breath and says, “Sam, we just got some bad news.”

She tells her daughter everything Sarek told them, and when her voice falters Gabriel takes over. “Aunt Pippa tried to take their leader captive, to put a stop to all of this.” Reaching for Sam’s hand, he adds quietly, “She paid the highest prize for her bravery.”

“No,” Sam says, shaking her head in denial. “You’re lying.”

Katrina’s heart breaks all over again. “I wish we were, sweetheart. God, I wish we were.”

For a moment, Sam just stares at them, trying to process the news. Then she blinks, and one tear after another leaves a damp trail down her cheeks. Gabriel wastes no time to pull her close.

“That can’t be true,” Sam sobs into his shoulder. “We were just talking yesterday.”

Katrina places her hand between her daughter’s shoulder blades, hoping to provide at least a little bit of comfort. “I know,” she whispers. “She was so looking forward to seeing you again.”

Her words only make Sam sob harder and Katrina closes her eyes against her own pain, and her daughter’s. She can’t help but wonder how a day that started out so perfectly, so happy, could turn into one of the worst days in her life. There’s a hole inside her that wasn’t there before and seeing Sam’s grief makes her miss Philippa even more.

She knows they all need time to deal with their loss but time is exactly what they don’t have. A glance to the clock on the wall reminds her all too harshly that she’s expected at Starfleet Headquarters in just under thirty minutes.

“Sam?” Katrina asks tentatively once her daughter’s sobs subside a little.

Sam sniffs. “Yes?”

“I’m afraid there’s more,” Katrina begins. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, but that battle with the Klingons was just the beginning. We are at war now and I … I’m going to have to go to Headquarters in a few minutes.”

Sam turns to look at her, her blue eyes slightly accusatory. “Aunt Pippa just died and you … you go back to work, just like that? Like nothing has changed? How can you do that?”

“Because she has to,” Gabriel tells their daughter in a tone that breaks no argument. Katrina is grateful for that since Sam has always been more susceptible to listen to him than to her. “It is our duty, Sam, and sometimes that sucks but it’s what we signed up for – what _you_ signed up for when you started at the Academy. Life as a Starfleet officer is not just about exploring space, no matter how much we wish it was. Sometimes, in war, it’s also about putting the greater good before your own needs. That’s why Aunt Pippa put herself in danger, and it’s why your mom needs to go to the Council meeting and I’ll be shipping out on the _Buran_ in a few days.”

Sam’s eyes widen. “You’re leaving again? But you just got home today!”

“I’m sorry, Sam,” Gabriel says, and his eyes shimmer with regret. “It’s only a matter of time until I get my orders. All ships are called up.”

Staring down at her hands in defeat, Sam murmurs, “That’s not fair.”

“We know,” Katrina whispers.

“What if something happens to you?” Sam asks, looking at them both with big scared eyes. “What if you go out there and … and don’t come home, like Aunt Pippa?”

Katrina reaches for her hand. “What if we stay here and the Klingons attack Earth because we weren’t out there fighting them?” she asks softly. Sam averts her eyes.

“Your mom is right,” Gabriel says, holding onto Sam’s other hand. “I need to be out there so I can protect you and Grandma and Grandpa, and everyone else on this planet. And your mom will do the same thing if she’s needed out there more than here.”

Sam looks at her mother. “But you’ll stay, for the time being? With me?”

Katrina nods and gives her daughter’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “I will. And if I have to leave, Grandma and Grandpa will be here. You won’t be alone, Sam. I promise.”

Sam bites her lip and nods, visibly trying to be strong. Katrina shares one look with Gabriel before they both draw their daughter into their arms, trying to give her as much of their strength and love as they can – while they can.

In the end Katrina’s five minutes late to her meeting at Headquarters but she can’t bring herself to care.

* * *

Sam’s fears turn out to be justified.

A month after the news of Philippa’s death Katrina gets another emergency call. It’s late in the evening and she just made dinner for Sam and herself when the shrill alarm signal goes off. Sam stares at her, fork raised in mid-air, trembling, and Katrina knows the stricken look on her daughter’s face will haunt her for weeks to come.

She puts her own fork down with a forced calmness and moves to her computer to take the call. Sarek’s face appears on the screen and Katrina has a horrible sense of déjà vu. “Oh no,” she whispers, sitting down heavily.

“Admiral,” Sarek greets her. “I apologize for being once more the bearer of bad news but I felt it would be kinder being delivered by a familiar face.”

“Is he gone?” Katrina whispers. She has to know, can’t bear the thought of idle talk that will do nothing to diminish her grief.

To her surprise and relief, Sarek shakes his head. “Captain Lorca is alive,” he says. “He’s at Starbase 13 getting treatment right now and scheduled for transfer to Earth tomorrow.”

From the kitchen Katrina can hear her daughter sob in relief. She closes her eyes, letting it sink in that the news isn’t as bad as she feared it would be. Gabriel is alive, maybe not well, but he’s coming home and that is all that matters. Taking a deep breath to regain her composure, she opens her eyes again and asks, “What happened?”

“According to Captain Lorca the _Buran_ was attacked and outnumbered by Klingons. In order to spare the crew being taken captive he initiated the self-destruct.”

Katrina brings up a hand to her mouth in shock. “Oh god. How many survived?”

“None, except for him,” Sarek says gravely.

“That can’t be right. Gabriel would never leave his crew behind,” Katrina says with a frown. A thousand thoughts and emotions are running through her mind. She’s beyond relieved that Gabriel is alright but at the same time she can’t help but wonder what drove him to abandon his ship with his people still on it. There is more to this, she thinks, there has to be. “Did you find the _Buran_ ’s data cores?”

Sarek shakes his head. “We’re still going through the wreckage but it doesn’t look promising.”

“Keep searching,” Katrina says even though she knows Sarek’s assessment is probably right. The self-destruct mechanism of Starfleet vessels is designed to make sure no valuable data can fall into enemy hands. The chances of finding even a part of the data cores intact are slim at best.

She ends the call with thanking Sarek for personally telling her the news, and quickly skims through the report he sent her before she turns around to look at Sam.

“Is Daddy really alright?” Sam asks in a small voice.

Katrina makes her way over to her daughter and kneels down in front of her, reaching for her hands. She hasn’t heard Sam call Gabriel _Daddy_ in years. “He’s fine. A little bruised, maybe, and there seems to be some issue with his eyes, but overall he is alright.” When Sam still looks scared she adds, “I promise, Sam. He’ll be here tomorrow afternoon and we’ll go see him then, okay?”

Sam nods and Katrina enfolds her in her arms. “We’ll have to call Grandma and Grandpa,” Sam murmurs into her shoulder. “They’ll want to come, too.”

Katrina presses a kiss into her daughter’s hair. “You’re right. Want to do it now?”

“Yes,” Sam says, pulling back. Her eyes are damp and as blue as Gabriel’s. Katrina swallows hard and, pushing her worries for Gabriel to the back of her mind, stands up and holds out a hand.

“Then let’s do it.”

* * *

Starfleet Medical is both eerily familiar and strange to her as Katrina makes her way down several corridors to Gabriel’s room with Sam, Deliah and Martin at her side. As a cadet she spent a lot of time here before she chose to pursue the Starfleet officer career path instead of the medical one. She remembers the hallways but she hardly recognizes any of the faces they pass. Her mentors have all retired and most of her colleagues from those early days have moved on to work on starships and starbases just like she had.

Katrina pushes through a door that leads into another corridor and looks up at the numbers on the doors to her left and right. 345, 346, 347 – 348, Gabriel’s room. She doesn’t hesitate before she knocks but she takes a deep, calming breath so her face doesn’t betray how worried she truly is about what she’ll find on the other side. All night she’d been tossing and turning, unable to get Sarek’s words out of her head. She just can’t imagine a scenario in which Gabriel would blow up his crew and yet save himself. As long as she’s known him he’d always been the kind of guy who’d rather sacrifice his own life than have anyone die for him. The information she has just doesn’t fit the man she knows and she can’t help but wonder what puzzle piece she’s missing for it all to make sense.

Sam has no such worries or reservations. “Daddy!” she beams the moment she spots her father. Before Katrina can stop her she rushes over to him, wrapping her arms around him as best as she can with him lying in a hospital bed, and hides her face in his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Gabriel looks shocked and a flicker of what Katrina can only call confusion crosses his face for a moment before he brings his arms up around Sam to hold her close. “I’m fine, darling.”

Katrina stops mid-step. Gabriel has never called Sam _darling_ before – that endearment had always been reserved for her and her alone. In the end she shrugs it off, reminding herself that he’s been through a major traumatic experience and that slip-ups like this are normal and to be expected. She steps closer and extends a hand towards him. He takes it with a smile that is a little unsure around the edges. “Hello, Gabriel.”

“Hello, you,” he whispers. He glances over her shoulder at Deliah and Martin and his eyes widen. “Mom, Dad?”

They come over and Sam moves back a little so they can give him a hug as well. “Don’t you ever scare us like that again,” Martin tells his son.

Katrina uses the moment to reach for the padd with his medical data. She skims through it but there is nothing in it she doesn’t know already. The cuts and bruises he’s suffered have been healed and his eye operation is due tomorrow. She glances up at the dim lights and Gabriel notices.

“Sorry for the gloom,” he says. “The explosion has damaged my eyes.”

The easy way in which he refers to the _Buran_ ’s destruction makes Katrina pause. She seems to be the only one to pick up on it, however, for Deliah says, “Oh don’t worry, love. We’re just happy you’re safe.”

“I’m sure Medical will be able to do something about your eyes,” Martin adds. He looks to Katrina for confirmation. “Right?”

Katrina nods and holds up the padd. “According to this they’ll be fixed tomorrow.”

“Yeah, about that,” Gabriel begins. “I’ve thought it through and I don’t think I want the operation.”

Katrina frowns but it’s Sam who voices what they’re all thinking, “Why not?”

Gabriel smiles at her. “It doesn’t hurt, darling, and there are other treatments I can get.”

“That makes no sense,” Katrina blurts out. Everyone turns to look at her as an uneasy feeling settles in her stomach. “Can I have a moment alone with him please?” she asks, addressing Sam, Deliah and Martin.

Deliah nods and ushers Sam outside. The moment Martin closes the door behind them Katrina says, “What’s going on, Gabriel?”

For a split second wariness crosses his features before they smooth out into a neutral expression. “Nothing’s going on,” he says. “It’s just … this,” he gestures to his eyes, “reminds me of what I did – of what I had to do. I need that.”

“That’s not healthy,” Katrina tells him. “You can’t punish yourself like that, Gabriel.”

“I know,” he says. “It won’t be forever, just … for now, alright?”

The look he gives her is heartbreaking and her resolve to put her foot down about this crumbles. She sighs. “Alright, for now - but we’ll talk about this again once they release you.”

Gabriel frowns at her. “Why won’t they release me now? I’m fine.”

“You are most certainly not fine,” Katrina says. “You’ve just destroyed your ship, Gabriel. Starfleet isn’t going to let that go. There’ll be an investigation and intensive psych evaluations. You know that. It’s standard procedure.”

He looks away from her and it feels like a chasm is opening up between them. “Of course it is,” he mutters.

“Hey,” Katrina says, reaching for his hand. “You’ll get through this, okay? We’ll be with you every step of the way.”

Gabriel barely glances at her as he presses a kiss to her hand, and Katrina can’t shake the feeling that something somewhere went terribly, horribly wrong.

* * *

“The final matter of the day is the vacant captaincy of the _Discovery_ ,” Admiral Terral says at the end of a three-hour long meeting. “We need someone with experience in that position – someone who is willing to go beyond the call of duty to get us an advantage in this war. I propose Captain Lorca as candidate.”

Katrina almost lets go of the padd she is holding. “With all due respect, Admiral, but that’s a terrible idea.”

Terral raises one delicate eyebrow. “And why is that, Admiral Cornwell?”

“It’s only been about three months since Captain Lorca destroyed the _Buran_ during a Klingon attack – for which we still have no prove, if I may remind you,” Katrina points out. “That’s not enough time to deal with such an experience.”

“Is that your personal or professional opinion?” Terral asks coldly.

Katrina takes a deep breath to calm her anger. “My personal relationship with Captain Lorca has nothing to do with this. No one would be ready to command a ship so soon after what happened to him, especially not one as valuable as the _Discovery_.”

Terral’s eyes flick down to the padd in his hands. “Captain Lorca has passed every psychological evaluation we put him through. Several of your colleagues have confirmed he is ready to return to duty. I see no reason to doubt them. Do you?”

“No,” Katrina says, grinding her teeth. “I don’t know how he passed these evaluations but Captain Lorca is not fine. He can’t possibly be.”

“Your comment is based on emotion and not facts, Admiral,” Terral decides. “I believe you are emotionally compromised in this matter. Anyone in favor of excluding Admiral Cornwell from this vote raise their hands.”

Katrina wants to protest but one by one the hands of the other members of Command go up. She knows a lost battle when she sees one, so she bites down on her anger and resentment, grabs her padds and stands up. “You’re making a mistake,” she tells them before she leaves the room.

Silence echoes behind her.

* * *

Sam is waiting for her at home. Her hopeful face falls the moment Katrina shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”

“They’re really sending dad out again?” Sam asks.

“Yes,” Katrina says with a sigh. She slumps down on the couch and wipes a hand across her tired eyes. “I tried my best, Sam, but my opinion doesn’t matter when it comes to your father. I’m too close to be objective.”

“That’s bullshit,” Sam says angrily. When Katrina raises an eyebrow at her she adds, “Sorry, but it’s true. It’s because we know him that we can see he’s not well.”

“I know, sweetheart,” Katrina says, drawing her close.  “But there’s nothing I can do. He’ll get command of the _Discovery_ and ship out within the week. Where is he anyway?”

Sam nods towards the bathroom. “Taking a shower. Will you tell him?”

Katrina shrugs. “No point in keeping it from him. He applied for that command and knows I was at the meeting today.”

For a moment they are both quiet, each lost in thought. Then Sam whispers quietly, “I don’t think he’s going to come back from this one.”

“Oh, Sam,” Katrina breathes, pulling her daughter into her arms. “You must not think like that. Your dad will always try his best to come home to us.”

“Are you sure?” Sam asks. “He’s so different now. Remember when I brought him the tribble? He barely even acknowledged it even though he’s been begging you to let him keep one for years.”

Katrina remembers that moment well. It was a week after the destruction of the _Buran_ and Katrina had thought a tribble would have a soothing effect on Gabriel and help him deal with the emotional fallout of losing his ship and crew. She’d hoped Merkin would make him smile and open up but she’d been wrong. He’d taken one look at the tribble before putting it on his nightstand, ignoring it for the rest of the evening.

“We have to have faith in him,” she finally says, knowing the words are nothing more than empty platitudes.

Sam looks highly skeptical but before she can say anything the bathroom door opens and Gabriel comes out, a towel wrapped lazily around his waist and hair still damp. There was a time that sight would have made Katrina long to follow him into their bedroom. Now it only pulls painfully at the knot of tension in her stomach.

When Gabriel comes back out, fully dressed, his eyes meet hers. There’s a calculating look in them and none of the love she is used to. “So, do I have a new ship?” he asks, sounding rather smug.

Bastard, she thinks, hating how self-assured he is acting. “You’ll get your orders later today.”

A smirk pulls Gabriel’s lips upward and it’s the happiest Katrina’s seen him since the _Buran_. She feels Sam grip her hand tightly. “Please don’t go, Daddy,” her daughter pleads. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“Nonsense,” Gabriel says, coming over to sit down next to them. “Starfleet needs me and you know I’m not good at staying grounded.”

That’s not true, Katrina thinks. Sometimes he feels like a stranger to her and not at all like the man who put his career on hold for twelve years to care for their daughter, just so she could finally take command of her own ship. It was only when she got promoted to commodore and stationed on Earth that he went out into space again. Gabriel never minded being grounded, not when it was in his family’s best interests.

“What about me?” Sam asks. “What about Mom? We need you, too!”

Gabriel gaze moves from Sam to Katrina. “And I need you as well. You both have been so great with me, so patient. But it’s time for me to step out of my comfort zone and in order to do that I need to be on that ship, Sam. I’m sorry.”

He doesn’t sound sorry at all.

Silently, they watch him go as he disappears back into the bedroom to pack, leaving them behind. Sam’s face crumbles and she turns to her mother helplessly. “How do we fix this, Mom?”

Katrina shakes her head in defeat. “I don’t think we can, Sam.”

She feels her family breaking apart bit by bit, like continents being driven apart by invisible forces, and has no idea how to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter 2! Once more I'll leave you with a few notes. 
> 
> \- Nikos Georgiou is Pippa's ex-husband as mentioned in the novel Desperate Hours. Since Pippa kept his last name I assume they parted on friendly terms and are still in contact with each other.   
> \- M!Gabriel greets Kat with "Hello you" at Medical because he has no idea who she is. He doesn't know her name, has never met her in his universe. It's the same reason why he calls Sam "darling".   
> \- M!Gabriel's parents are dead in the mirror universe which is why he is so shocked when he sees them.  
> \- I always wondered why Gabriel only made captain when Katrina is already a rear admiral. In this story, Sam is the reason. While Kat took maternal leave for the first two years of Sam's life, Gabriel was the one to care for Sam until she was fourteen and Katrina got promoted again. With Katrina being stationed on Earth he was free to pursue his own captaincy. 
> 
> See you for the next chapter where we will deal with Katrina's imprisonment and her fall-out with M!Gabriel.


	3. The world stops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you for your kudos and comments! 
> 
> Please heed the following warning: this chapter contains mild graphic depictions of torture and violence. There is also the mention of non-con / rape. It's not graphic (a lot less so than in the actual show), but if this is somehow triggering to you, you should skip this chapter.

**Chapter 3: The world stops**

Katrina groans as she comes awake. Every part of her body hurts and it’s almost unbearably hot. She forces herself to sit up and pushes a hand through the sweaty, tangled mess of her hair. Her knee is throbbing and she has trouble finding a position that allows her to be at least somewhat comfortable. Her captors are remarkably good at inflicting pain in a way that doesn’t damage her body permanently or too seriously, yet ensures she feels it for days to come. She both loathes and grudgingly admires them for that.

Slowly, carefully, she drags herself over to a bowl of mushy food they leave for her twice a day. Even though her stomach already rebels at the smell alone she dips her fingers into it and forces herself to eat it all. Keeping her strength up is important or she won’t be able to escape when an opportunity presents itself – if an opportunity presents itself.

So far it hasn’t.

Katrina has no idea how long she’s been on the Klingon ship but it feels like weeks, maybe even months. Every day is the same – filled with pain, too much time to think, and more pain. It’s beginning to get to her, no matter how much she tries to follow her training and stay positive. If it’s really been weeks than the chances of her being rescued are slim at best, she knows. With every day that passes it becomes more and more likely that Starfleet gave up on her, that Gabriel gave up on her, and that hurts more than anything the Klingons could ever do to her.

Wearily, Katrina pushes her empty bowl away and rests her head against the wall. Half a year ago she’d have laughed if anyone had told her Gabriel would leave her for dead one day. Now she bites her lip bloody to keep the tears at bay because it’s clear that’s exactly what he did. The man who once carried her to safety on a hostile planet by sheer strength of will after she’d been poisoned seems to have died along with everyone else on the _Buran_. She doesn’t know what happened that day but the Gabriel who came back to her was not the same man she’d kissed goodbye a month earlier after the war broke out.

When she set foot on _Discovery_ she’d hoped the distance had done their relationship some good and she’d finally recognize something familiar in those blue eyes that have been stealing her breath away for decades. There was the possibility that getting away from her and Sam was exactly what Gabriel had needed to come to terms with his trauma, no matter how much it hurt her to consider it. She’d have gladly admitted she was wrong if only it meant she’d get him back.

Sitting together in his quarters, sharing a glass of whiskey like they’d done so often in the past, Katrina allowed herself for the first time to think that maybe, just maybe, things would be alright. Then there’s a warm hand on her knee, and without saying anything Gabriel invited her into his arms and into his bed - something he hadn’t done since he came back from the _Buran_. Looking back on it Katrina knows she shouldn’t have taken him up on it but by god it was the first tiny glimpse of the man she loved and she had missed him too much to say no.

It’s a mistake she’s going to regret for the rest of her life, however long that may be.

Nothing had felt right. Gabriel hadn’t kissed her, not even once. He’d placed kisses all over her body, sure, but he’d always steered clear of her lips. He’d barely looked at her as he undressed her with a clinical detachment that still made her skin crawl when she thought about it. Katrina had told herself he just needed a little more time, that he was still healing, but in the end she had to look away from him because she couldn’t bear the indifference she saw in his eyes. She’d never done that before, avert her gaze in bed, and afterwards, when he’d turned away from her, leaving her alone with her thoughts, fears and that horrible emptiness inside her, she’d felt the cracks between them widen.

Then Gabriel pointed a phaser at her head and something in Katrina just snapped. For months she’s walked on eggshells around him, put her own needs second so she could be supportive and help him recover. More than once she’d swallowed bitter words, reminding herself that she needed to be patient with him. But even her patience could run out and being held at phaser point had been the last straw. Whatever she thought she’d seen in his eyes earlier that night was clearly no indication as to the state of his mind. He was not fit for duty, much less for being in charge of people’s lives, that much was glaringly obvious. She might have been powerless to stop him from assuming command of the _Discovery_ but she would do her best to persuade Starfleet Command to see the truth and order him back to Earth for more psychological tests.

Looking back on it now, Katrina knows that was most likely her fatal mistake. She’d threatened to take his ship away from him and in return Gabriel had chosen not to rescue her. Unknowingly she’d dug her own grave the moment she spoke out against him in pain and anger, and now she’s going to die here, surrounded by enemies in Klingon space and far from home, without ever learning what happened to the man she loves with all her heart to change him so.

The door to her cell opens, pulling her from her dark thoughts, and the Klingon who’s been torturing her since they brought her onto this ship steps in. Katrina gathers her strength and pushes herself to her feet, staying close to the wall for support. Her bad leg trembles and barely supports her weight. The Klingon, noticing, sneers before he reaches for her and roughly pulls her into the middle of the room. The moment he lets go Katrina’s leg gives out and she crumbles to the ground. The Klingon snorts in amusement. Defiantly, Katrina breathes through the pain and stares up at him. “Screw you,” she spits into his face.

A kick to the ribs is his answer. The pain has her doubling over and she barely has time to catch her breath before the Klingon reaches for his favorite torture device and their daily fun begins. Katrina has no idea how long their torture session lasts but when it’s finally over she is being tossed unceremoniously into a corner like a broken ragdoll. Her head hits the wall hard and for a long time all she can do is pant and hold herself as still as possible. Slowly, so very slowly, the room stops spinning and the pain becomes less sharp and piercing and instead turns into the dull throbbing that’s been her constant companion since her capture. She breathes a sigh of relief.

Curling up against the wall, Katrina allows her eyes to close and her mind to wander away from the physical pain. Not for the first time she wonders how Sam is doing. Has Gabriel contacted their daughter about her disappearance? She wouldn’t bet on it but Starfleet certainly had. She hopes Deliah and Martin were with Sam when she got the message. The thought of her daughter, alone and afraid for her parents’ safety, makes her heart clench painfully. She wishes she had never boarded the _Discovery_ , never left Sam alone. If her last encounter with Gabriel made one thing clear it’s that he’s dangerous. Light years away from home Katrina fears for Sam, fears what Gabriel is capable of doing to her when he’s lost in another PTSD flashback. She wishes she had contacted Sam or Martin and Deliah to warn them against Gabriel before she took on the diplomatic mission.

Now all she can do is hope and pray she somehow survives this ordeal and makes it back to Earth before Gabriel can hurt their family even more than he already has.

* * *

When a chance at escape finally presents itself it comes in the form of L’Rell. Katrina knows she has no reason to trust the Klingon but beggars can’t be choosers. The need to get out, not for her sake but for Sam’s, is too strong to pass up a chance like this. She’s been here long enough to know that a rescue team won’t come and she can feel her body faltering under the daily torture sessions. If she doesn’t escape now she fears she never will. So Katrina seizes the opportunity and follows L’Rell against her better judgment.

She pays the prize for it.

Her heart plummets to the bottom of her stomach when they’re discovered. It’s over, she knows, I’m never getting home. Regret pulses through her as she stages a fight with L’Rell to keep their arrangement a secret. She knows she doesn’t stand a chance, not weakened and hurt as she is. There’s nothing she can do when L’Rell pushes her against some circuits. There’s a brief spike of pain in her back radiating through her whole body before everything goes blissfully dark.

Katrina doesn’t know how long it is until she regains consciousness but when she does her whole body throbs with pain though her legs are terrifyingly numb and Commander Burnham is leaning over her. At first she thinks she’s finally being rescued but it turns out Burnham and Tyler only stumbled upon her by chance. She thought she’d come to terms with Gabriel’s indifference regarding her safety but she was wrong. It still hurts like hell.

For a brief, dark moment Katrina wonders if returning to the _Discovery_ is a good idea. She’s aware of how helpless she is right now without the ability to use her legs (and the thought of never walking again scares her more than she wants to admit) and how easy it would be for Gabriel to move against her if he chose to do so. She doesn’t want to believe he’d do anything to hurt her but their last encounter and her captivity proved he’s more than capable of it and a part of her is scared of him. She doesn’t want to see him again, not when she’s like this, injured and weakened, but he’s her way back home, back to Sam, and her need to protect her daughter is greater than her fear of him.

So Katrina waits while Burnham leaves to execute her plan and tries her best to talk Tyler down from his flashbacks. She knows how the young lieutenant feels, has been in his place once before after she took command of the _Hawking_ all those years ago. Gabriel had been there for her in the aftermath, talked to her, allowed her to rant and scream and finally cry at the injustice of it all and the helplessness she’d felt in the wake of her suffering. She wouldn’t have gotten through those dark times without him and Sam. Her little girl had been just four years old then, unable to understand why her Mommy sometimes flinched when she got touched without warning.

Now Katrina uses that experience to help Tyler snap out of his memories. She needs him to regain his grip on reality. It’s only a matter of time until the Klingons get through the door and she can’t keep them off on her own when she can’t even move. In the end, Tyler comes back to himself just in time. He pushes Katrina down and fires at the Klingons when they threaten to overwhelm them. White-hot pain erupts in her back and spreads through her body. Agonizingly, it travels along her nerves and she doesn’t even have time to scream before she loses consciousness.

* * *

When Katrina wakes up again there is no pain but her head feels fuzzy and she has trouble forming a clear thought. Everything around her is white and blessedly cool and so different from the hot, dark room she was kept in for what feels like an eternity. Slowly, the realization sinks in that she made it out, that she’s in a Starfleet sickbay somewhere, and she wants to weep in relief.

A doctor steps up to her, with kind brown eyes and a face lined with age. “Admiral Cornwell, welcome back.”

“Where am I?” Katrina rasps out. The doctor pushes a cup of water to her parched lips and she drinks it greedily.

“Starbase 88,” he says once the cup is empty and Katrina breathes a sigh of relief. She’s safe from both the Klingons and Gabriel. “You had emergency surgery for your back injury. Do you remember that?”

She remembers pain, days and weeks and months of pain, and then nothing in her legs. She remembers being scared and feeling helpless in a way she hasn’t in decades. “Will I walk again?”

The doctor hesitates. “You’ll need further surgery once you reach Starfleet Medical on Earth. We’ve done all we could here but I have faith that our specialists there will repair any lasting damage.”

“So you don’t know,” Katrina concludes wearily. Her eyes fall close.

The doctor sighs. “Captain Lorca sends his regards.”

Katrina knows those words are supposed to cheer her up but they don’t. They’re empty, meaningless – Gabriel’s way of keeping up the charade of being a happy couple just a little longer. Katrina thinks she should be angry about that but all she feels is numbness. She doesn’t know why Gabriel keeps pretending. Maybe he’s as scared about seeing each other again as she is. It doesn’t matter. All she wants is to get home to Sam so she can hold her daughter in her arms. It’s been far too long. “When will I leave for Earth?”

“In a few hours,” the doctor tells her.

“Good.” Darkness is creeping up around the edges of her vision and Katrina blinks heavily against it. There’s more she needs to say. She should tell someone about Gabriel, warn them about his unstable character but the pull of unconsciousness is too strong.

The last thing she feels is a gentle touch on her shoulder. “Don’t fight it,” the doctor says from somewhere far away.

Against her will Katrina’s eyes fall close and she knows no more.

* * *

“Mom? Can you hear me?”

Katrina forces her eyes to open when she hears the familiar, trembling voice. She squints against the bright white light above her. “Sam?” Without warning Sam buries her head in her chest and begins to shake. Katrina’s arms feel leaden but she grits her teeth and summons all the strength she has to bring them up around her daughter, finally holding her close again. She sighs in relief. “I’ve missed you, sweetheart,” she whispers.

“I’ve missed you, too, Mommy,” Sam sniffs, holding her tighter. Katrina’s heart tightens in the most beautiful way at being called _Mommy_ but she can’t quite hide her wince when Sam’s hold aggravates her still-sore back.

“Easy there, Sam,” Martin cautions gently.

Sam loosens her grip at once. “Sorry,” she apologizes. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. Are you alright?”

Katrina smiles through her discomfort. “I’m fine. Don’t worry.” Whatever pain she’s in is nothing compared to the happiness and relief having Sam in her arms brings her. She’d thought she’d never get to hold her again, hear her laugh, see her smile. Having Sam with her makes everything she endured as a prisoner of war bearable, worth it.

“How do you feel, love?” Deliah asks, stepping closer.

Katrina reaches for her hand and gives it a squeeze. “Exhausted, tired, but not in too much pain,” she answers honestly. She nods towards her legs. “What did the doctors say?”

“It was touch and go for a while but with a bit of physical therapy you’ll walk again,” Deliah smiles.

Katrina breathes out a sigh. “That’s good.”

“Grandma, Grandpa and I will be here to help you, Mom,” Sam tells her with the optimism of youth. “We’ll get you back on your feet in no time.”

“I’m sure you will,” Katrina chuckles weakly. “I’m counting on it.”

“And you can,” Martin insists. “We’ve already prepared everything so you can come home with us once they release you.”

Katrina wonders what she ever did to deserve them. “Thank you, both of you. Not just for this but for taking care of Sam as well while I was gone. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

Deliah squeezes her hand as Martin nods. “There’s no need for that, Katrina. It’s what family is for. We’ll always be here for you.”

Katrina believes her. For as long as she’s known them Martin and Deliah have treated her like family and supported her when things got rough. She could always rely on them and can’t imagine her life without them anymore. She loves them dearly and that’s what makes it so difficult to ask, “Have you heard from Gabriel?”

Martin, Deliah and Sam exchange wary looks. “We talked to him briefly after your surgery on Starbase 88,” Martin finally says. “We haven’t heard anything from him since then.”

“I’m sure he’s just busy,” Sam says, putting on a brave smile. For the first time Katrina notices the dark circles under her daughter’s eyes and how red-rimmed they are.

She doesn’t have the strength to lie to her. “He’s not. He’s afraid to face me again because he left me there to die.”

“He’d never do that,” Deliah protests immediately. “Gabriel loves you, Katrina. He’d go through hell to see you safe. He once did.”

Tears prick at the corners of Katrina’s eyes. She blinks them away. “He used to, yes,” she says. “But not anymore, not since he blew up the _Buran_. He’s different, Deliah. Something happened that day, something he hasn’t told anyone about and it changed him, made him dangerous. You have to have noticed it as well.”

The desperation in her voice causes Deliah to avert her gaze and reach for her husband for comfort. “We have,” she admits quietly. “There have been moments when  I barely recognized him.”

“We thought it was due to the trauma he experienced,” Martin adds a little helplessly.

“So did I,” Katrina sighs. She allows her eyes to close, feeling suddenly weary. “Now I’m not so sure.”

A soft touch on her hand forces her to open her eyes again. “Mom?” Sam asks tentatively. “What happened the last time you saw Dad? What’s wrong with him?”

Katrina wishes she could tell Sam everything about the terror she felt when he put a phaser to her head, but that’s not really something Gabriel’s parents or her daughter need to hear about. So she shakes her head and simply says, “I don’t know, sweetheart. I just don’t know.”

Sam doesn’t look happy with her answer and for a moment Katrina thinks she’s going to ask again, but instead Sam leans down and pulls her once more into a hug. “Well, whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. I’m just glad you’re home again. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too,” Katrina whispers, something she says far too rarely. She vows to change that.

“Come on, let’s let your mom rest for a bit,” Martin says when they pull back, noticing her exhaustion. He gently ushers Sam outside.

Deliah squeezes Katrina’s hand once more before following them. “We’ll be back in a few hours.”

Katrina nods. “Okay.”

She watches them go and the tension drains from her body. A weight has been lifted from her shoulders now that Sam and Gabriel’s parents know about her fears and suspicions in regards to Gabriel. Even though they’re not aware of what exactly happened on the _Discovery_ they’re warned now. Their guard will be up the next time they see Gabriel and it’s enough to know they won’t be as gullible as Katrina had been when they meet again.

It has to be.

* * *

When Sam, Deliah and Martin come back in the evening Katrina takes one look at their faces and knows something is wrong. She’s received enough bad news in the past to recognize the telltale signs. Deliah’s eyes look pinched while Martin’s hands are clasped tightly in front of him, knuckles white. It’s Sam’s face, pale and shell-shocked that makes Katrina’s heart miss a beat.

“What happened?”

For a moment she thinks this is about her legs, that the doctors made a mistake and she won’t be able to walk again. But as shattering as that news would be to her she doesn’t think her family would react like that. They’d try to cheer her up and make her focus on all the things she could still do instead of those she couldn’t. No, Katrina thinks, this is not about her injuries.

Without warning, Sam’s face crumbles. “It’s Daddy,” she whimpers. “He’s … he’s gone.”

She rushes over to her mother and Katrina wraps her in her arms, unable to comprehend what is going on. “What do you mean, he’s gone?”

Martin swallows hard. “The _Discovery_ was destroyed by Klingons an hour ago.”

“No,” Katrina whispers in denial. “No, that can’t be true.”

“It is,” Deliah says in a choked voice. “Sarek just contacted us.”

The world stops.

Katrina’s heart misses a beat before it begins to ache in desperation. No matter how impossible it seemed, how difficult, how broken her relationship with Gabriel had been since he came back from the _Buran_ she’d always hoped they’d find their way back to each other. She loves him and despite the shattered trust between them that has never changed, and for the past thirty years he’s loved her back. He’s been with her through every high and low and they’d never backed down from any of the challenges life threw at them.

Now he’s gone, dead – just like Philippa. They’ve lost their chance to reconcile, to find their way back to each other and mend the broken pieces of their relationship.

“Oh god,” Katrina says, looking helplessly at Deliah and Martin as she holds her crying daughter.

The world stops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Again, some quick notes ...  
> \- The Hawking is named, of course, after Stephen Hawking, may he rest in peace.   
> \- The way Katrina, in the show, handles Ash's flashbacks on the Klingon ship implies, at least to me, that she went through a similar experience once, because she says something along the lines of "I know, believe me." That's why I included that in this chapter.   
> \- The doctor tells Katrina that Gabriel sends his regards. If I remember correctly, Mirror!Lorca actually does this in the show when he gets news that Katrina has made it to Starbase 88. 
> 
> The next chapter will probably be up in two weeks. Depending on how much time I'll have to edit it it might take a bit longer.


	4. Bastard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update! I've just realized it's almost been a month. My new job is keeping me pretty busy and last weekend I was at FedCon (and I met Jason Isaacs and he is such a charming, kind person and so much like how I imagine Prime!Lorca to be and just so lovely and entertaining in general) and well, I just didn't have a lot of time to work on this story. But chapter 4 is finished now and I've already started work on chapter 5. Depending on how long chapter 5 will be I may even have to add another chapter to the story, but we'll see. Let's hope it won't take me a month to get the next chapter up. XD

**Chapter 4: Bastard**

The house of Gabriel’s parents is quieter than Katrina has ever seen it. The silence is not tense and uncomfortable like the one she got used to after the destruction of the _Buran_ – it’s more of a sad, hushed quietness that speaks of grief and loss. She’s only been here for a few hours and already begins to reach the point where she can barely stand it.

Medical released her earlier today, still confined to a wheelchair. The doctors promised she’ll graduate to crutches soon if her physical therapy goes well but the wheelchair doesn’t bother her. It’s not the first time she has to rely on one and her muscles have not forgotten how to get around in it. She hopes it’ll be the last time, though. She’s afraid one day her luck will run out and she won’t get back up on her feet again.

Slowly and carefully Katrina wheels out of her temporary bedroom in search of Deliah and Martin. Sam is in class, having left reluctantly an hour ago at Katrina’s insistence. Ever since they got the news of _Discovery_ ’s destruction Sam has hardly left her side. She would have stayed all night and day at Medical if the doctors had allowed it. It worries Katrina. Sam had always been a daddy’s girl, trailing after Gabriel with stars in her eyes from the moment she could walk. Losing him like this, so abruptly and without warning, has broken something in her daughter Katrina has no idea how to fix. All she knows is that Sam can’t cling to her like this, like her whole life solely revolves around Katrina now. She knows why Sam does it, sees the fear of loss in her eyes every day, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s not healthy. Sam needs to get back to something resembling normalcy, and attending her classes is the first step in the right direction.

The kitchen is empty when Katrina wheels into it. She makes her way towards the living room, carefully maneuvering the wheelchair through the narrow doorway. Through the large windows she spots Martin and Deliah in the garden. The sight makes her stop in her tracks. Martin has his arms around his wife, holding her tightly to him. Deliah’s shoulders are visibly shaking as she clings to his shirt. Her rake lies forgotten on the ground next to her.

Katrina swallows hard and resolutely blinks the tears away before she turns the wheelchair around and leaves the living room to allow them to grieve in private. There’s a lump in her throat as she hurries through the too-quiet house. Her family is broken, shattered into jagged fragments and haunted by the ghost of a familiar face that seemed like a stranger to them the last time they saw it, and she hates that she feels so helpless amidst all this grief and pain. She should know what to do, how to help her family deal with Gabriel’s death and move on, but instead she feels frozen to the spot and useless.

_I can’t even help myself_ , she thinks bitterly as she tries to push her emotions into the farthest corner of her mind. It never fully works.

Staring down at her hands, cold and aged, Katrina wonders when this nightmare will stop. It started with Philippa and continued with the _Buran_ , with the stranger wearing Gabriel’s face, followed by her own imprisonment and _Discovery_ ’s destruction. Now the Federation is knee-deep in war and her own family is lost in grief. It feels like she’s hit rock bottom, like things can’t possibly get worse, but she knows that’s not true. If the last few months have taught her anything it’s that there’s always one more thing, one more tragedy, one more horror waiting just around the corner.

Hiding her face in her hands in quiet despair, Katrina can only hope she will be strong enough to face it when the time comes.

* * *

Things come to a head ten days later. Katrina’s graduated to crutches a day ago, finally able to move around more freely, and Sam isn’t so reluctant to leave her side anymore and doesn’t have to be forced to go to her classes. Slowly, very slowly, little pieces of happiness and normalcy return to their lives and the house becomes a little less hushed with each day that passes. It’s not like before and it never will be, but at least things are getting better, bit by bit.

Then Gabriel’s birthday comes along.

At first Katrina doesn’t even realize what day it is, too preoccupied with her physical therapy, psychological evaluations and worries about everything and everyone to keep track of time. It’s only when she comes home and finds Martin, Deliah and Sam in the kitchen staring forlornly at a birthday cake with a single candle on it that it hits her. A lump forms in her throat as guilt settles like a heavy weight in her stomach. Not once in all the years she’s known him has she forgotten Gabriel’s birthday. He wasn’t one for big celebrations, so they usually spent the day with his parents and Sam, eating his favorite cake and going swimming in the lake if the weather allowed it.

“He would have been 55 today,” Deliah whispers as she spots Katrina in the doorway.

Something in Katrina gives way. She turns around on the spot and hurries out of the room as fast as the crutches will allow her, leaving her family, the birthday cake and that awful empty space where Gabriel should be behind. Her throat is closing up and this time she can’t can’t push her emotions down. She barely makes it to her room before a sob tears lose and she crumbles to the ground. She buries her face in her knees and lets go of everything she’s tried so hard to keep locked away since her family told her about Gabriel’s death. Over the last few weeks she’d tried to be strong for them. She’d held her daughter when she cried, stayed with her until she fell asleep and did her best to get back on her feet as quickly as possible so Deliah and Martin didn’t have to worry about her on top of everything else.

Katrina thought she’d successfully locked her grief away but in the end all it took was the sight of a birthday cake to bring all her walls crashing down. Helplessly and full of guilt, she sobs into her knees. For the first time since she heard the news of _Discovery_ ’s destruction she _feels_ with every fiber of her being and it hurts. She misses Gabriel with every breath she takes, with every beat her heart makes. There’s a hole inside her nothing can fill and a pain she knows will never go away. Gabriel was the love of her life, the one person she could always rely on, who supported her unconditionally. He was the heart and soul of their little family and with him gone she feels completely adrift in the vastness of the universe. She has no idea how she’s supposed to go on, how to turn her life around and live it without him at her side. It’s impossible.

Suddenly, a pair of warm, solid arms is around her. Startled, Katrina tries to pull back and hide her tears but Deliah is having none of it. “It’s alright, dear,” she murmurs into Katrina’s hair. “Just let it out.”

“I’m sorry,” Katrina sobs, clinging to Gabriel’s mother because there’s nothing else she can do. “I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Deliah says, stroking her back soothingly. “It’s not good to keep things bottled up. You told me that once.”

There’s a faint smile in Deliah’s voice that makes Katrina only sob harder. She holds onto Gabriel’s mother as if her life depends on it and lets it all out, finally giving voice to her grief. She doesn’t know how long she cries but when she finally stops she feels exhausted and blessedly numb.

Deliah pulls back a little and gently pushes the hair out of Katrina’s eyes. “That was long overdue, hm?”

Sniffing once, Katrina nods. She wants to apologize again for not being strong enough, for making a scene, for forgetting what day it is, but she can’t find the right words. Instead she simply says, “Thank you, Deliah.”

Gabriel’s mother smiles. “We’re all here for you. You know that, right? It’s okay to miss him, Katrina. We all do.”

“I know,” Katrina whispers. There’s not a moment in her life where she doesn’t miss Gabriel, no matter how much she tries to push the feeling away. But there’s also the regret of parting in anger the last time she saw him, something her family doesn’t share. There’s the betrayal she feels because he didn’t move heaven and earth to bring her home. And there’s the confusion, the lack of understanding, because the Gabriel who came back from the _Buran_ was not the Gabriel she fell in love with a lifetime ago. She has so many questions that will never be answered now and haunt her for the rest of her life.

“Mom?” Sam asks, hovering tentatively at the door.

Katrina sees Gabriel’s eyes staring back at her out of her daughter’s face. For a split second the sight hurts, almost unbearable so, but it’s also a reminder that Gabriel will never be completely gone from her life, that a part of him lives on in Sam and Katrina draws comfort from that. “Come here, sweetheart.”

Sam doesn’t hesitate and joins them on the ground. “Are you alright?”

“I don’t think anyone of us is quite alright yet,” Katrina tells her softly. “But we’ll get there.”

“Yeah,” Sam breathes, resting her head on her mother’s shoulder.

Silence settles between them and for once it doesn’t feel isolating. Katrina closes her eyes and lets it wash over her as she reaches for Deliah’s and Sam’s hands and simply holds on.

* * *

A little over a month after her rescue from the Klingon ship Katrina gets called into Starfleet Headquarters. She’s on medical leave for four more weeks, still relying on crutches for longer distances. It’s unusual for Command to require her presence since she hasn’t gone through all the psychological evaluations yet, so she’s a bit wary when she steps into the council chamber. Terral is waiting for her and she suppresses a groan of frustration. She’ll never forgive him for putting Gabriel in charge of the _Discovery_ against all better judgement.

“Admiral Cornwell,” he greets her. “I hope you are well.”

Just for a moment Katrina thinks about waving one of her crutches pointedly in his face. “As well as can be expected, Admiral,” is all she says instead.

Terral doesn’t waste any time. “Good. Starfleet has need of you.” He explains how thinly stretched the fleet is, how terrible the losses were in the last few weeks, and how important commanding officers are in a situation such as this. Katrina knows where he is going with it all and she’s more than a little shocked that the war seems to be going so badly for them that they’re desperate enough to have someone like her in a commanding position so soon after her imprisonment and personal loss.

“I’m not fit to be in command,” she tells Terral flat out.

The Vulcan raises an eyebrow at her. “We decide who’s fit and who’s not.”

Katrina frowns, appalled by his words. “I’m still on medical leave and I haven’t passed my psych evaluations yet, Admiral,” she reminds him. “Starfleet regulations clearly state that someone who is emotionally or physically compromised cannot be put on active duty.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Terral says and that’s how Katrina knows they’re losing the war. “Throughout your career you have performed exemplary, Admiral, and there is no reason to believe this will change now.”

Katrina would like to beg to differ. She can’t go back into the field, not now, not so soon after losing Gabriel. She can’t do that to her daughter. “I’m still recovering from my injuries,” she points out once more, and this time she does lift one of her crutches to make her point. “And I just lost my partner. Believe me, Admiral, I am not fit to make rational decisions or to be in charge of other people’s lives.”

Terral regards her quietly for a moment. “Be that as it may,” he finally says, “we cannot afford to do without you right now. The situation is dire, Admiral, and Medical deems you fit enough to go back on active duty. You will board the _Peleliu_ tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Katrina echoes faintly.

“That should be enough time to get your matters in order, I think,” Terral says. “You’re dismissed, Admiral.”

A million thoughts run through her mind and she wants to protest, but one look at Terral tells her it wouldn’t change a thing, so she hobbles out of the room with as much dignity as she can muster. Tomorrow. How on Earth is she supposed to tell Sam that she’s leaving in less than twenty-four hours? Sam won’t like it, won’t understand why she has to leave – hell, Katrina doesn’t understand it herself, not really. She gets that Starfleet needs qualified high-ranking personnel but putting someone like her who is dealing with grief and trauma in a position of power is pure madness.

Martin and Deliah are waiting for her when Katrina steps out of Headquarters. Her anger must show on her face because they both frown at her. “What’s wrong?” Martin asks.

Katrina doesn’t slow down, trusting they’ll keep up with her, slowed down as she is by the crutches. “They’re sending me off to war tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Deliah asks, taken aback. “Where?”

“I have no idea,” Katrina says. “I suppose I’ll get my official orders when I board the _Peleliu_.”

“But you’re not well,” Martin protests. “They can’t do that.”

Katrina shrugs angrily, almost stumbling over one of her crutches in her frustration. “I know that, you know that and I know they know it as well, but it doesn’t matter. Apparently war changes things.” She shakes her head, pushing her anger back. “I know we were supposed to go out for lunch but I really need to go home. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Martin says. “We understand.”

“Of course we do,” Deliah agrees.

The moment they’re at the house Katrina heads to her room. It takes her no time to find the padd she’s looking for. She stores it in her pocket and walks back down the corridor and into the kitchen where Martin is brewing them some coffee.

“I need you to keep this safe for me,” Katrina says, putting the padd on the table.

Deliah looks at it but doesn’t reach for it. “What is it?”

“My will,” Katrina tells her.

Deliah’s eyes widen and she glances over at her husband. Martin looks just as shocked as she is. “You don’t expect to come back?”

“We’re at war,” Katrina reminds them. “Anything can happen. And with Gabriel … with Gabriel gone I need to know Sam is taken care of.” She nods towards the padd. “That’s why I’ve named you her guardians. I know I’m asking a lot of you here, and on such short notice, but –“

Martin interrupts her. “We’ll do it,” he says. “Of course we will, Katrina. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“We’ll take care of Sam for as long as we can,” Deliah promises. “We always have, we always will.”

Katrina breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank you. You have no idea what that means to me.” She feels like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders and for the first time since her meeting with Terral she smiles. “I really wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

Deliah reaches for her hand and clasps it tightly. “Please come back home,” she whispers. “We can’t lose you, too.”

“I’ll try my best, I promise.”

It’s not enough but it’s all Katrina can offer.

* * *

Sam doesn’t take the news well, just as Katrina had feared.

She comes home after her last class just in time for dinner. Katrina is waiting for her in the living room while Martin and Deliah make themselves busy in the kitchen to give them some privacy. “Please sit down, Sam,” Katrina says, for once not commenting on the fact that her daughter didn’t take her shoes off at the door.

“Did something happen?” Sam asks warily. “You look a little pale, Mom. Is it your back?”

Katrina shakes her head. “No, but I have something to tell you and you’re not going to like it.” She takes a deep breath and steels herself for Sam’s reaction. “Admiral Terral summoned me to a meeting this morning after you went to class. I have orders to leave on the _Peleliu_ tomorrow morning.”

“Orders?” Sam asks. “Mom, you’re still on medical leave! They can’t station you on a starship. That’s against regulation.”

Katrina almost smiles, proud that her daughter is taking her classes so seriously. “My leave has been cut short.”

Sam shakes her head. “No,” she says in denial. “No, they can’t make you do that. You can’t leave.”

“I have to,” Katrina says weakly.

“No, you don’t!” Sam argues. “You’re still hurt!”

Katrina sighs. “Sam …”

“No, Mom!” Sam takes a shaky breath to calm her temper. “You can’t leave me alone,” she whispers.

“You’re not alone,” Katrina tries to reassure her even though she knows her words fall flat. “Grandma and Grandpa will be right by your side.”

Tears well up in Sam’s eyes. “I don’t want Grandma and Grandpa, I want you! Don’t you get that?”

Katrina swallows hard. “Of course I do, sweetheart. But we’ve already had this discussion when your dad had to leave after the war broke out.”

“Yeah, and look what happened to him!” Sam says. “Look what happened to Aunt Pippa! The same is going to happen to you!”

“You don’t know that,” Katrina says.

Sam laughs, a harsh, horrible sound. “Look at you. You can’t even walk!”

Katrina’s eyes shift briefly to the crutches resting against the couch. “True,” she admits. “Look Sam, it’s not like I want to go. I don’t and I know it’s not a good decision on Starfleet’s part, but I I can’t change that. I’ve already tried.”

“So once again Starfleet is more important than family,” Sam surmises, her voice cold and piercing.

Katrina winces. “That’s not fair, Sam. You know that’s not true.”

Sam levels her with a look. “Then stay.”

“I can’t,” Katrina says with regret. “I have my orders.”

“Screw your orders!” Sam explodes. “And screw Starfleet! They didn’t care about you when you were held prisoner, so why should you care about them now?”

“Because there is a war going on,” Katrina explains patiently. “And it’s not going well. They need everyone they can get and if me being out there somehow ensures your safety then I’ll go gladly.”

“I don’t care about my safety, or if we’re losing the war, or winning the war, or whatever the hell is going on out there,” Sam whispers. “I need you to be home, Mom. I need _you_ to be safe.” Katrina’s heart breaks at the anguish she hears in her daughter’s voice, but when she reaches for her Sam turns away. “But it doesn’t matter what I say, does it? You’re leaving anyway.”

Anguish turns into quiet acceptance and defeat and Katrina hates how Sam deflates, hunching in on herself and looking small and hurt. “I wish I weren’t,” she whispers.

“Yeah, me, too,” Sam says quietly as she stands up without looking at her. Her words sound final and Katrina watches her leave, feeling shell-shocked.

Their dinner goes untouched that evening.

* * *

Deliah and Martin are there to see her off the next morning.

Sam isn’t, and Katrina pretends it doesn’t hurt as much as it does.

* * *

They’re losing the war. It becomes more and more obvious with each day that passes. Katrina goes to bed late and wakes early every morning to more bad news. Sometimes it’s the destruction of a hospital, an attack on a food convoy or the random killing of civilians who were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They stand no chance against the Klingons, not with _Discovery_ gone and the algorithm to penetrate the Klingon cloaking fields lost along with it.

Katrina is tired of all the death around her and her own helplessness to prevent it. What they do is always too little, too late. They couldn’t help the people of Kelfour VI when their atmosphere was burned off with a hypothermic charge. Eleven thousand civilians, killed in an instant. They were powerless against the attacks on Starbases 12, 19 and 22 because they were unable to detect the cloaked Klingon ships on their suicide missions. A third of their fleet is gone in a matter of days. They had to stand by when their research outposts Iridrin, Nivalla and Septra were attacked and wiped out, unable to send what little remained of their fleet to protect them. So many brilliant minds turned to stardust.

The numbers of their losses are staggering. In just a few months almost a fifth of Federation space has been lost to the Klingons and Katrina knows that’s only the beginning. The Klingons are advancing further and further into Federation space, and unpredictable as they are in their attacks the Federation has no way of knowing where or when they will attack next. The situation is beginning to scare her.

Katrina wishes Gabriel was here. Still no day goes by without her missing him but there are moments where she desperately needs him at her side and acutely feels the emptiness he left behind. Command is a lonely position – she’s learned that when she became the captain of the _Hawking_. As admiral it’s even worse. She doesn’t have a crew to rely on now and her colleagues are spread all across Federation space in an effort to put out the fires the Klingons leave in their wake. It’s not the first time she’s felt alone but it’s the first time she doesn’t have Gabriel to talk to, to vent to, to share her fears and worries with. He always knew what to say to calm her down or cheer her up. Sometimes his smile was all it took to make her feel a little bit better.

She misses him terribly. And she misses her family. As often as she can Katrina contacts Deliah and Martin to make sure they’re alright, and Sam is well. She can’t tell them anything about the war because most information is classified but seeing their faces and knowing they’re safe still helps. She just wishes Sam would talk to her. Her daughter refuses to say more than a quick hello whenever she calls, always coming up with one excuse or another why she has to go. The fractures in Katrina’s heart widen a little more each time that happens. She loves Sam and she knows her daughter is punishing her for leaving in the only way she can because she’s hurt and scared. Sometimes, in the darkest hours of the night, Katrina’s terrified she’s going to lose Sam just like she lost Gabriel after the _Buran_ incident – not physically but still in such a final, painful way.

It doesn’t help that Sam got transfer orders for Starbase 1. Katrina had a downright fit when she heard that first year cadets were being placed on starbases. Starfleet Command excused that decision with the heavy losses of the last few months, claiming they were in desperate need of more personnel to keep things running. Katrina’s argument that the young cadets were too untrained to be of much help fell on deaf ears. It was madness, absolute madness, and she doesn’t believe that just because she’s a mother affected by it, no matter what Terral liked to think.

Then everything changes. One morning she wakes up to the sound of a red alert and Sarek’s voice over the comms, “Admiral Cornwell, please come to the bridge at once.”

Katrina hurriedly dresses herself, fearing they’re under attack. It wouldn’t be the first time. To her surprise there is no Klingon vessel in front of them when she steps out of the turbolift. There is, however, a tiny dot on the screen with the registry number NCC-1031 attached to it. Her eyes widen. “That can’t be right,” she whispers. She turns to Sarek. “What the hell is going on?”

“Ten minutes ago the _Discovery_ has appeared on our sensors,” Sarek explains matter-of-factly. If he’s as shaken as she feels he doesn’t show it.

“How is that possible?” Katrina asks. “The _Discovery_ was destroyed nine months ago. You know that. You contacted my family about it.”

Sarek holds her gaze. “I did and it was. We are just as clueless as you are, Admiral.”

Katrina takes a deep breath and takes another look at the dot on the viewscreen. Her thoughts run a mile a minute. If that is really the _Discovery_ then there’s a chance that Gabriel is not dead, a treacherous voice whispers in her mind. Against all odds, he and his crew could have been lost somehow, somewhere, and just now found their way home. It would mean she might get him back and gain a second chance of mending their relationship and family.

Then doubt creeps into her mind. What if it’s not their _Discovery_? She’s aware of the theories regarding multiple universes but as far as she knows a crossover between them has never happened or at least never been documented. The newly-appeared _Discovery_ could be the first ship to have crossed over, and that means there is at least a possibility that its crew is hostile and the Gabriel commanding them is not the person she loves.

Katrina makes up her mind. “Get us over there, and put on your tactical gear. Let’s give them a Starfleet welcome.”

* * *

Bastard.

It’s the only thing running through Katrina’s mind as all the pieces fall into place. Finally Gabriel’s weird behavior after the _Buran_ incident makes sense, how he insisted on calling Sam darling, how he reacted to the tribble, how he refused to kiss her and couldn’t get away from them fast enough.

She wants to cry. The last year of her life has been a lie and she doesn’t know if she’s supposed to feel grateful about it or not. On one hand she’s relieved that her Gabriel hadn’t hurt her so badly, that it wasn’t him who left her to rot on that Klingon ship. On the other hand she feels guilty and absolutely disgusted with herself that she hadn’t realized her Gabriel had never come home from the _Buran_ and instead welcomed the imposter into her arms and into her bed.

And then there’s another feeling, buried deep beneath the self-loathing and relief – a tiny speck of hope, because no matter what she told Sarek and the others, her Gabriel was resourceful and she can’t completely convince herself he’s dead. She’s aware the chances he is are high but the thing is she doesn’t know – she doesn’t know what happened to him, if he’s alive, if he’s well, if he’s hurt or if he’s dead. It’s an uncertainty she isn’t sure how she’s going to live with.

There isn’t much time to think about it, though, because they’re on their way to Starbase 1. It’s beyond Katrina’s authority to decide what to do with _Discovery_ , their knowledge of the mirror universe or their unwanted passenger – and that’s another can of worms Katrina’s reluctant to open. Seeing Philippa again after all this time has left her reeling. Outwardly, the Emperor looks just like her. It’s Philippa’s gentleness and kindness, however, which she lacks. It hurts to look at her and see someone else masquerading as her friend. Katrina’s glad she’s going to be rid of her soon. She’ll only have to make sure Sam doesn’t encounter the Emperor when they reach Starbase 1. The chances of that are slim with eighty thousand people on the starbase but one never knows.

When they finally reach their destination everything is wrong. No one answers their calls and instead of Federation life signs they find only Klingon ones. Wreckages of starships float through space and an angry red Klingon symbol mars the outer hull of the starbase.

Katrina feels sick as _Discovery_ ’s crew confirms her worst fears. Starbase 1 has fallen and the Klingons left no witnesses. _Sam_ , she thinks dully, horror and shock coursing through her veins. Sam was supposed to be on Starbase 1. Katrina tries to remember which date it is, whether Sam was scheduled to be transferred at the start or at the end of the week but she comes up empty. There’s a roaring sound rushing through her ears that drowns out everything else as she feels her heart plummet. Her daughter might be dead – because Starfleet thought it wise to send first-years into battle, because the Klingons stop at nothing to win the war, because Katrina didn’t fight hard enough to stay with her and keep her safe.

She knows she’s looking as shocked as she feels but she doesn’t care. Saru is more than able to handle their retreat and she just needs a moment to get a grip on herself, to come to terms with the fact that after losing Gabriel for a second time she might have just lost her daughter, too – and all that in a matter of hours.

Her life lies in broken pieces around her and without Gabriel and Sam she has no hope of ever putting it back together again.

* * *

Later, Katrina finally finds the time to contact Deliah and Martin. Her hands are shaking as she connects the call and her heart is beating furiously in her chest. She doesn’t feel ready to be told Sam’s already left for Starbase 1. It’s a reality she doesn’t want to face, doesn’t want to live in.

The moment Gabriel’s parents appear on screen her face crumbles.

“Katrina,” Deliah breathes in shock. “What’s wrong, dear?”

“Is Sam … has she already been transferred?” Katrina forces the words, sharp as thorns, out. She’s scared.

Martin frowns. “No, she’s supposed to leave tomorrow. Why?”

Katrina forgets how to breathe. Her baby girl is safe. Against all odds, Sam’s alive. “Oh god,” she sobs, trying to stifle the sound with her hand. She can’t believe Sam’s at home, safe and sound with her grandparents and not among the countless casualties of war on Starbase 1. “Thank you,” she mumbles – to whom, she doesn’t know. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Katrina’s dimly aware of Deliah telling Martin to go get Sam before she says, “Katrina, dear, you have to breathe. Do you hear me? Breathe, Katrina.”

She tries to but she can’t tame her emotions. She buries her face in her hands and sobs helplessly, letting go of all the fear and pain she endured in the past few hours. It’s only when she hears Sam’s voice, small and confused, call for her for the first time in forever that she looks up again.

“Mom?” Sam asks, confused. “What happened? Please don’t cry.”

Katrina looks at her, takes in Gabriel’s blue eyes in her beautiful face, and wants nothing more than to wrap her daughter in her arms again and never let go. “You’re alright,” she breathes. “I can’t believe you’re alright.”

“Of course I am,” Sam says. She exchanges an uneasy look with her grandparents. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I thought you’d already been transferred to Starbase 1,” Katrina confesses, wiping at her tears. “I’m so sorry, Sam. So sorry.”

She knows she doesn’t make much sense because Martin asks, “What happened to Starbase 1, Katrina?”

Katrina looks at him. “Klingons took over it,” she whispers. “They killed everyone, including most of our leadership. Eighty thousand souls and I couldn’t remember if Sam was there or not,” she repeats, her breath hitching.

Sam’s eyes widen. “I was supposed to leave earlier this week but the _Pegasus_ had some technical issues and our departure was rescheduled for tomorrow.” She looks shocked when the realization hits her that she narrowly escaped death.

Deliah puts a hand on her shoulder. “Thank god for technical issues.”

“Hear, hear,” Martin agrees faintly.

They all look as pale and shaken as Katrina feels. “You have no idea how happy I am that you are safe, Sam,” she says. “I know you’re angry at me for leaving and I understand that, but –“ She breaks off, searching for the right words. In the end there is only one thing to say that matters. “I love you. I love you so much.”

Sam’s eyes well up. “I love you, too, Mom. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the last time we talked.”

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Katrina tells her, smiling through her tears. Suddenly, just like that, life doesn’t seem so dark and hopeless anymore. She takes a deep breath. “There’s something I need to tell you – all of you.”

Deliah, Martin and Sam listen quietly as she tells them about _Discovery_ ’s return, about the concept of mirror universes and about the man who pretended to be Gabriel. She tells them about the possibility that their Gabriel switched places with the other one but cautions them against hoping he’ll return. “We don’t know where he is or if he’s even alive,” she says. “The odds are not in his favor, I’m afraid. From what I’ve been told that place is a horrible, twisted version of our universe and the chances of anyone surviving there on their own are slim at best. And even if he was alive – we have no means of returning there and looking for him. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Sam says, shaking her head and trying to blink the tears away.

Deliah places a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Sam’s right,” she says, turning around to face the screen. “It’s not your fault, Katrina. At least we now know why he seemed so … off.”

Katrina smiles weakly as she remembers a phaser pointed at her head. “Yeah.”

She doesn’t tell them about the Emperor with Philippa’s face, not yet, and she can’t talk about their mission to blow up Qo’noS. But she tells them that they have a plan to end the war and that if everything goes well she’ll be home soon.

Sam smiles at her and there is so much of Gabriel in that smile that it makes Katrina’s heart ache. “I can’t wait to see you, Mom.”

Katrina puts her hand against the screen. “I love you,” she says, “all of you.”

Sam covers her hand with her own and even though Katrina cannot feel her touch the gesture brings her peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more I want to thank you all for your support! It really means a lot!
> 
> Regarding the ships mentioned in this chapter:  
> \- The Peleliu is named after The Battle of Peleliu, a battle in the Pacific Theatre of War in World War II.  
> \- The Hawking is, of course, named after and in honor of Stephen Hawking.  
> \- The Pegasus is named both after Operation Pegasus in World War II as well as the Pegasus Dwarf Irregular Galaxy (which is also the place where Stargate Atlantis, another sci-fi show, is set).  
> The reason why I chose the names Peleliu and Pegasus is because those two ships are in service during a time of war. It felt fitting to have their names relate and refer to WWII. The Hawking, Katrina's first command vessel, on the other hand is a science vessel, since she was a captain before the war broke out.


	5. The war is over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I had a tough time at work these past few weeks and a lot on my mind. Still, the new chapter is finally done and even though I thought chapter 5 would be the last the story had other ideas. There will definitely be a sixth chapter, maybe even a seventh one or an epilogue, depending on how much plot I manage to put into chapter 6 *g* 
> 
> Thanks again to everyone who's reading this story and leaving kudos and comments! It is much appreciated!

**Chapter 5: The war is over**

The war is over.

They finally, impossibly, put an end to it and won without losing the last bit of honor and common decency they managed to retain throughout the endless months of fighting. It was a close call, though, something Katrina is probably more aware of than anyone else. Never before had she been so glad to have her decisions questioned by someone under her command. She’d been so tired and exhausted, both physically and mentally, when she gave the order to destroy Qo’noS, unable to see a different path in her desperation to bring an end to a war that had been going on for far too long and cost so many people so much, herself included. She’d been compromised when she’d made that decision, the need for a break and the longing to go home and keep her family safe more important than anything else in that moment. It had made her blind to the repercussions of her orders and in the end it had been up to Burnham to offer a different point of view, a better solution than Katrina could have ever come up with.

Now, whenever Katrina thinks about what she almost did, she feels nothing but shame for stooping so low. She’d always believed herself to be stronger than that but she knows better now. Sometimes, in the dark of night when her mind can’t stop noticing the empty space next to her, she wonders if there’s a version of her out there who was in the same position and went through with the original plan. She tries to imagine what it would feel like to live with the knowledge of destroying a planet and so many lives along with it, but whenever she does panic makes her heart race and all she feels is relief that she’ll never have to find out thanks to Burnham.

Still, even without Qo’noS weighing heavily on her conscience, Katrina has enough regrets and guilt to last her a lifetime. She’s witnessed unimaginable things in this war, both personally and from afar, and her faith in Starfleet has crumbled with every passing day until it became all but non-existent now that the fight is over. Command wants to give her a medal and a promotion for the part she played in ending the conflict but she doesn’t accept either. How could she when she knows she doesn’t deserve any credit; when she’s been thinking about resigning her commission for a while now; when she firmly believes that not only her own decisions but also Command’s have been wrong so often, _too often_ , costing thousands, maybe millions of people their lives?

Instead, she persuades them to honor the crew of the _Discovery_ for their service and reinstate Commander Burnham to her former position and rank. Seeing her and her crewmates standing there proudly as they accept their medals Katrina couldn’t feel happier. If anyone deserves recognition it’s them. They defied the odds, served under a false captain, travelled to his universe and survived the experience only to return to their war-torn home and find a peaceful solution to end the fight. If Katrina could she would give them all the medals in the world.

After the ceremony is over things slowly go back to normal. It’s a relief and much-needed break. Katrina is finally allowed to travel home and when not only Deliah and Martin are there when she arrives but Sam as well Katrina can’t help pulling them close and holding them tightly for what feels like eternity. She remembers the hours when she thought Sam had been killed on Starbase 1, and she remembers herself breaking apart under the burdens of loss and command. Pressing a kiss into Sam’s hair, Katrina silently thanks whoever listens that her family – what is left of it – is alright and that she didn’t break her promise and came back to them, more or less whole.

Together, they try to pick up the pieces of their lives. It’s not easy, nothing worthwhile ever is, but slowly, step by step, they manage to get back to something resembling normalcy though the gaping hole Gabriel left behind is still glaringly present every day. There’s nothing and no one that can stitch that wound back together – a fact they’re all painfully aware of. Every now and then there are moments when one of them would turn around, expecting to see Gabriel there and faltering mid-sentence when there is only empty air. Sometimes, Katrina feels phantom arms around her at night. On some nights, she sighs and wants to sink into that feeling of warmth and safety and refuses to wake fully. Other nights, she scrambles out of bed before she’s even properly awake and aware of what she’s doing, barely reaching the bathroom before she begins to dry heave. She hates that the other Gabriel did that to her.

She hates it even more when it’s Sam who wakes from a nightmare, quietly crying and mourning her father. Katrina knows Sam still clings to the hope that Gabriel is alive and will come back to them. They don’t really talk about it, about the possibility that he’s still out there somewhere, missing them just as much as they are missing him, but Katrina can see it in her daughter’s eyes as plain as day that she hasn’t given up believing he’ll return. She can’t fault Sam for that. Hope is a treacherous thing and Katrina isn’t immune to it, no matter how much she wishes she was. She tries to harden her heart against it and be the voice of reason and logic when Sam gets too optimistic but at night, Katrina still imagines seeing his face again, sometimes dirty, sometimes gaunt and bloody, but he always smiles at her and holds out his hand until all her resolve crumbles and she hopes and longs just as much as Sam does.

Once, Katrina would have moved heaven and earth to get Gabriel back, It’s not so easy now. If the war has taught her one thing it’s that the end doesn’t always justify the means. She knows Starfleet would never allow another trip to the mirror universe even if they were able to make that jump. And they’d be right not to. They can’t risk the lives of a whole crew for the off-chance that Gabriel is still there, alive and well, and they’d be able to find him in the vastness of enemy space. It would be utterly reckless and Katrina knows it was Starfleet’s recklessness during the war that cost so many cadets their lives before they really began, that set _Discovery_ on its path and put a cruel man into command. It’s time for Starfleet to take a step back from that and Katrina can’t and won’t undermine that.

So she doesn’t go looking for Gabriel, no matter how much it hurts her to let him go. She doesn’t inquire about the spore drive and she doesn’t talk to their leading scientists about the multiverse. She doesn’t speak to the crew of the _Discovery_ about their experience in the Terran Empire, and she most certainly doesn’t talk about the possibilities of crossing over again. Instead she tries to keep herself busy and tries not to hope for something that will most likely never happen.

She puts all her energy into reorganizing the Academy. Classes have to be rearranged or postponed because students and teachers alike are missing. It takes a while to get things running again. They need to give the students time to grief and mourn, and Katrina’s right there in the middle of it all as a counselor. When Starfleet offers her one of the vacant psychology teaching positions she doesn’t have to think long about taking it. It allows her to stay home and be close to Sam, and that’s all she can ask for nowadays.

Together with Sam Katrina moves back into her own apartment the day before the Academy opens its doors again. They air and dust the rooms, put fresh sheets on the beds and go grocery shopping until finally the place feels a little bit like home again. That evening, they invite Deliah and Martin over for dinner and there’s an empty chair at the table next to Katrina that Sam flat-out refuses to put aside. It’s her daughter’s way of keeping Gabriel in their lives and Katrina can’t begrudge her that, no matter how much it pains her to feel that empty space to her left. She remembers the way Gabriel used to grin at her, so softly and with crinkles around his eyes, before he took her hand for no other reason than that he could and it made her smile. She misses those small moments terribly.

Later, after the dishes have been cleared away and Deliah and Martin have gone home and Sam is asleep, Katrina rights the chairs around the table and allows her hands to linger just a moment too long on Gabriel’s, lost in memories. Behind her, Merkin the tribble trills in sympathy.

* * *

The call comes in shortly after she gets back to her office after her very first lecture. It feels good to be back in the classroom again. Katrina likes teaching, always has. Her students are eager, and there’s more of them than she’d have expected for an advanced course. She figures the war played its role in that as well. Most students must have witnessed a counselor’s work firsthand, one way or another, and Katrina wouldn’t be surprised if a few of them changed career paths because of it. Undoubtedly, some will lose interest in a while, but until then Katrina will make sure to impart as much knowledge on them as she possibly can, especially in first-aid responses. Lieutenant Tyler is living proof that, sometimes, saying the right words under pressure can decide between life and death.

As she organizes her padds Katrina wonders how Sam is doing. They left the house together that morning and went their separate ways once they reached the Academy. Sam’s class of first year cadets is one of the few lucky ones that didn’t see action during the war thanks to technical issues their starship experienced before take-off. Katrina knows a lot of other classes weren’t that lucky. Some of them have been so heavily decimated that two or three classes had to be combined into one to get them back to full numbers. Others have completely disappeared.

 When Admiral Terral had announced that the students who had fallen in the line of duty would be honored with a plaque in the entrance hall, Katrina had almost laughed out loud at the sheer inadequacy of the gesture.

“Those students should have never left Academy grounds,” she had told him, in front of what remained of Command. “You can put up a thousand plaques and statues and whatever else you think is a good idea, but that will do nothing to ease the pain and loss of their families or wash off the blood on your hands, Admiral.”

She’d been suspended for a week for that.

Katrina smiles a little at the memory. It had felt good to finally speak her mind, though she knew it was too little too late. She hoped in some other universe she’d been just a bit braver and stronger and her counterpart’s Academy halls were still overflowing with student who didn’t feel guilty when they laughed or told a joke.

With a sigh, she wipes a hand across her face before she reaches for one of the numerous padds on her desk to prepare for her next lesson. She’d just reached the end of the first page of her notes when her computer beeps, alerting her to an incoming call. Without checking who it is she takes it. She almost lets go off the padd when Sarek’s face appears on the screen.

“Admiral Cornwell,” he greets formally.

Katrina does her best not to show how much his call unnerves her. Sarek has been the bearer of bad news for so long now that she can’t help the anxiety that creeps up her spine when she says, “Ambassador Sarek, it is good to see you. How are you?”

Sarek regards her quietly for a moment and Katrina knows he sees right through her and picks up on her nervousness. He still humors her, though. “I am well, Admiral. I hope your first day at the Academy was satisfactory so far?”

“It was,” Katrina says, and it’s all the small talk she can take. “You’re not calling because of that, though, are you? Something happened.”

Sarek’s eyes lock onto hers and he nods. “We have Captain Lorca.”

Blood rushes through Katrina’s ears. Sarek keeps talking but she doesn’t hear a word he says. All she can do is blink and focus on those four words: _we have Captain Lorca_. Her throat closes up and suddenly she can’t breathe. She knows it’s all in her head and it’s not the first time this has happened to her but it hasn’t been this bad in a long time.

“Are you alright?” Sarek voice faintly gets through to her.

Katrina chokes out a laugh. “Do I look like I’m alright? I haven’t been alright in months and then you – you – you can’t just say something like that! Dammit!”

She balls her hands into fists and concentrates on calming down. It’s slow and agonizing, but she somehow manages to slow down her racing heart a little and breathe in precious air around the lump in her throat she knows isn’t really there. Sarek gives her the time she needs to get herself back under a semblance of control which leaves her exhausted and sweaty.

“I am sorry to have caused you distress, Katrina,” Sarek begins, sounding a little hesitant. “I thought you would be happy.”

“Happy?” she rasps out. She’s angry and lets him know it. “Have you any idea how hard the last year has been for me? For my family? We’re just about to get our lives back together and here you are, throwing it all into chaos again!”

For a moment, Sarek looks confused. “That was not my intention, Katrina. We really have found Gabriel Lorca.”

“Which one?” Katrina finally spats out. She can feel tears prickling at the corners of her eyes and blinks them away furiously. “The Terran one who’s supposed to be dead? Another one from a different universe?”

“Our Gabriel Lorca,” Sarek says. Quietly, he adds, “Yours.”

Katrina shakes her head in denial. “That can’t be true and you know it. We agreed he couldn’t have survived there on his own all this time. There’s no way he’s still alive. You’re wrong.”

“I mind-melded with him,” Sarek tells her and that’s all it takes for Katrina’s thoughts to come to a halt. There isn’t much her mind can come up with against the argument of a mind-meld, no matter how much she wishes it could because miracles don’t happen, not to her. They are nothing but lies disguised as wishes come true, something she’d learned the hard way with the other Lorca. Sarek can’t be right, and she can’t let herself believe she’s getting Gabriel back only to lose him a third time. Her heart can’t take another blow. “He is ours, Katrina,” Sarek tries to reassure her. “I promise you.”

A part of her wants to believe Sarek so badly, wants to board the next ship to meet him wherever he is right now, no matter how much she tells herself that he is mistaken, he has to be. She doesn’t want to get her hopes up, not like this and not now when she’s finally starting to come to terms with everything that happened the last year, but she’s helpless to stop it. “How?” she whispers weakly, trying to cling to what little remains of her sanity. “How could that be possible, Sarek?”

“Captain Lorca wasn’t as alone as we thought he was,” Sarek explains calmly. “He found allies, made friends and got help. He’s also not the only one who crossed over. There are Kelpiens with him, seeking refuge. One of them is Commander Saru’s counterpart.”

“Saru,” Katrina whispers, remembering Burnham’s reports on the enslavement of the Kelpiens in the Terran Empire. It had broken her heart, reading about the circumstances that had forced Burnham to choose one of them without realizing she’d doomed him to become the next meal. No matter what her feelings are regarding Gabriel, Katrina can’t help but be glad that at least some Kelpiens have made it out of that hell and will be able to live their lives with dignity now.

“They’re all a little worse for wear but overall in acceptable health. The same goes for Captain Lorca,” Sarek continues.  “ _Discovery_ is on its way to Earth right now but,” he pauses, giving her a meaningful look, “I haven’t contacted Starfleet Command yet. I thought you would like to hear the news first.”

Katrina bites her lip, still reluctant to allow herself to hope. “Sarek, please, are you really sure it’s him? I need you to be sure because I can’t … I can’t go through this again, alright?” She hates that she’s practically begging.

“I am sure,” Sarek says, without any hesitation. “Would you like to speak with him?”

The question startles her. She hadn’t even thought about the possibility of talking to Gabriel – or the person pretending to be Gabriel, she has to remind herself, no matter how slim the chances of another imposter seemed to be with Sarek’s reassurances echoing in her head. But now that the idea has been presented to her she can’t let go of it. There is only one answer. “Yes.”

Sarek stands up, presumably to go get Gabriel, and Katrina is left staring at an empty screen. Her heart is beating a mile a minute and she nervously kneads her hands in her lap. She’s scared of what and who she’ll see when Sarek returns. The rational part of her mind knows that there’s no better way to confirm a person’s identity than a mind-meld, but the war-weary, heartbroken part of her refuses to trust that knowledge. She’d once believed Gabriel had come home against all odds and she still suffered the consequences from that. There were nights when she would wake up with her heart in her throat and the faint sensation of his touch on her body. There were days when she couldn’t stop shaking, no matter how many blankets she wrapped around herself. And there were mornings when she felt so nauseous she couldn’t even look at food – all because she’d blindly trusted that familiar face.

Despite all that her love for Gabriel is as fierce and strong as it ever was.

Her trust in him is not.

It’s a shattered mess inside her and now that there’s a real possibility she might see her Gabriel again Katrina’s terrified she won’t be able to pick up the pieces the other Gabriel left behind in his wake. What if she’ll never learn to trust those beloved eyes again? What if she’ll always flinch at his touch or only see the other him when she looks at Gabriel?

She knows she’s getting ahead of herself, already beginning to accept that Gabriel is really back, and it makes her panic. She can’t let her guard down like that, not so easily and not now – and then there is suddenly movement on the screen and Gabriel is there, right in front of her.

Just like that.

Katrina forgets how to breathe.

Gabriel is clad in white sickbay garments that make him look pale. His cheekbones are more prominent than she remembers, but the smile he greets her with is as familiar as her own. There’s a warmth in his eyes as he looks at her in wonder and relief that’s been missing from her life for far too long.

“Kat,” he breathes, and it sounds so achingly like him that Katrina has to close her eyes against the onslaught of emotions that threatens to overwhelm her. “God, it’s good to see you.”

As much as she wants to she can’t return his smile. He may look and act like her Gabriel, and when she looks at him the only thing Katrina can think of is home, but she has to make sure this is real, that he is real – not only for herself, but for her family as well. She won’t let another imposter into her home so easily again, which is why she holds up her hand to stop him from saying anything else and says, “Tell me something about yourself.”

Gabriel’s smile falters a little and he turns his head in confusion, presumably to look at Sarek off-screen, before he says, “My name is Gabriel Lorca. I was born –“

Katrina shakes her head, interrupting him. “No. Tell me something only you could know. Something that’s not in a file.”

This time, the smile slips off Gabriel’s face completely and he looks at her in worry. Dread pools in Katrina’s stomach as she thinks, _He doesn’t know. Oh god, he doesn’t know what to say. Please, not again_. But then Gabriel blinks, and even though he still looks a little taken aback and perplexed, he begins again. “My name is Gabriel Lorca. When we first met you jokingly called me Gabe. After I told you I hated that nickname because the guys who bullied me in school always called me that you apologized and never brought it up again. I call you Kat, though. Or darling – _love_ , depending on how sappy I feel. We have a beautiful daughter, Samantha. Sam for short. At one point I started calling her sweetheart and never stopped.”

Sweetheart – something the other Gabriel had never gotten right. The little flicker of hope in Katrina’s chest brightens. “Who is her godmother?”

“Pippa,” Gabriel says at once. “Captain Philippa Georgiou, I mean.” A shadow of grief passes over Gabriel’s face. “She died in the beginning of the war, just before we were meant to go on a camping trip together to celebrate Sam’s birthday.”

There’s a sharp pain of loss in her heart as Katrina remembers that day, followed by an unsettling feeling when she thinks about the Emperor running freely around this universe. She pushes both aside and asks, “What was Sam’s first word?”

“Star,” Gabriel says fondly and without hesitation, “though she couldn’t pronounce it properly in the beginning. She loved looking at the night sky so much that we put up little stars that glow in the dark on the walls and ceilings of her room. Every night she demanded we tell her about the constellations. Orion was her favorite. Still is, I believe.”

That was true. Even as a toddler Sam had stars in her eyes and couldn’t get enough of the twinkling lights in the sky. She’d refused to go to sleep until they’d told her the story behind one or another constellation’s name or made something up. “Her favorite toy?”

“That Pluto plushie Pippa got her. You know, the one of the planet with the smiley face and the heart?” Gabriel flashes her a brief grin. “And don’t even try to argue; Pluto has been and always will be a planet in the Lorca household and you know it.”

Katrina almost snorts at that because that argument is so old and familiar by now that she’s given up correcting Gabriel a long time ago. She’d tried, more often than she can count, especially when Sam was old enough to want to remember the order of the planets in their solar system. Behind Katrina’s back Gabriel had taught their daughter to remember that _My Very Extraterrestrial Mate Joins Starship USS Nova Prime_ and Sam had latched onto the phrase like a lamprey. By the time Katrina found out about it, Pluto’s planetary status had been firmly established in her daughter’s mind and Katrina could do nothing but curse Gabriel’s ridiculous fondness for planetary history and that little dwarf planet with its heart-shaped mark.

“Tell me about our first date,” she whispers.

Gabriel snorts and Katrina’s heart aches at the familiar reaction. “You mean the one where we, two of Starfleet’s brightest, somehow sank a pedal boat on a lake that was little more than a mud hole?”

This time, Katrina can’t hide the small smile that tugs at her lips against her better judgment. “At least we didn’t drown.”

“Tell that to the boat,” Gabriel mutters. “For which I had to pay, mind you.”

The owner hadn’t been amused when the two of them, completely sodden and still dripping lake water onto the steps of his boat house, had explained the incident to him. He’d demanded recompense and Gabriel, trying to be the gentleman, had paid him off at once, refusing Katrina’s offer to pay for half of it. It was only months later that Katrina found out that Gabriel had used most of his monthly pay doing that and was forced to ask his parents for a loan to get through the rest of the month. It had made her love him even more.

“It was a lovely first date, though,” Gabriel reminisces quietly, a fond look in his eyes. “I still remember thinking you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen, drenched as you were in lake water and with algae in your hair. I think I fell in love with you that day.”

Katrina swallows hard. He’d never told her and it makes her chest tighten. The Gabriel in front of her looks and sounds so much like hers that every instinct tells her to run to him as fast as she can and take him in her arms and never let him go. But she’s learned the hard way she can’t trust her instincts, or him – at least not yet, not before she can be really sure it’s really him. It’s why she asks him something only the two of them know, something they never told Pippa, Gabriel’s parents or Sam about. “Where did you propose to me?”

Gabriel stares at her with a blank expression and Katrina’s heart falls. But then he smirks and asks, “Which time? The first, second or third time? You really have to be more specific, Kat.”

And there it is, that familiar teasing twinkle in his eyes that his imposter had never gotten quite right. Even though her brain still warns her to be cautious, Katrina’s heart has heard enough. Tears fill her eyes and she doesn’t have the strength to hold them back. “Gabriel?” she chokes out.

His eyes soften at once. “Hello, Kat.”

She lets out a sob of relief. “I’m sorry I never said yes,” is all she can think of to say, as ridiculous as it is in this moment. “I should have said yes. God, why didn’t I ever say yes?”

“It’s alright,” Gabriel tells her in a voice that is soft and full of so much understanding Katrina doesn’t really deserve. “I’ll just keep asking until you do. I’m persistent like that, you know?”

His words are a promise. They say _I’m here_ and _I’m not going anywhere_ and _I love you_ and all Katrina wants to say is _Please ask again_ and _Don’t ever stop_ and _I love you, too_. The urge to reach out and touch him is overwhelming. She places a trembling hand against the screen and starts sobbing in earnest when he places his palm against hers without hesitation. It’s what finally convinces her that he’s here, he’s really done the impossible and came back without their help. The how and why suddenly don’t matter anymore because _he’s here_.

“Please don’t cry, Kat,” Gabriel murmurs softly. “You know if you cry I will, too.”

Katrina chokes out a broken laugh and sure enough when she looks at him his eyes are wet. She remembers a time, so long ago now, when she came home from that one disastrous mission during her first command, nothing more than a trembling, shaking mess. Every tear she’d cried then Gabriel had shed as well as he held her through the worst of it. They’d made it through that difficult time mostly thanks to Gabriel’s unwavering love for her and his infinite patience. He gave her time, was close when she needed him to be and took a step back when she couldn’t stand to be touched. Katrina hopes with all her heart they’ll both have the strength to fight that battle a second time.

It’s different now, though, she thinks as she looks at his handsome face through her tears. It’s not just her who’s been hurt this time. Gabriel’s been through hell, too. A different kind of hell, perhaps, but a hell nonetheless, and it shocks her when she realizes that in her selfish need of reassurance she hasn’t even asked him if he’s alright. Her eyes grow wide and rake over every part of his body frantically, trying to see if he’s more hurt than he appeared at first glance.

Gabriel, knowing her so well, quietly says, “I’m fine, Kat, I promise.” Then, with a small, weary sigh, he admits, “A bit tired, perhaps. Maybe more than a bit, to be honest. I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks. But apart from that I’m fine.” Katrina’s face must betray her worry because he adds, “You know I would never lie to you about that, Kat.”

A weight lifts off her chest when she hears that, not just because a long time ago they swore that they would always be honest with each other when it came to their pain, both physical and mental, but also because despite everything he must have been through Gabriel seems to have made it out relatively unharmed. Katrina takes another good look at him and, not finding anything physically wrong with him a few good meals wouldn’t fix, she decides to believe him, much to her surprise. It seems the other Gabriel hadn’t managed to destroy all the trust between them after all and she’s glad she doesn’t doubt Gabriel’s every word like she feared she would.

“You’re not alright, though,” Gabriel goes on quietly. It’s not a question but an observation and all Katrina can do is shake her head in confirmation. His eyes grow sad. “I’d ask you what happened but I think that’s a conversation for a day when we’re not light years apart. I just –“ he stops, searching for the right words. “God, Kat, I’m so sorry about all of this. From what Sarek told me …”

He leaves the sentence hanging and dimly, Katrina wonders how much he knows, how much Sarek’s already told him about that other Gabriel and to what lengths the imposter went to to ensure his pantomime was perfect. The main facts, probably, she thinks. Certainly not the things that keep Katrina awake at night. There is so much she needs to tell Gabriel, so much he has a right to know, but he’s right; those truths are better left for another day.

“It’s not your fault,” she tells Gabriel because she knows he blames himself, even if he has no idea what for exactly, and she can’t have that. “You were caught in the crossfire, just like we were.”

Their gazes lock across light years and next to the regret she sees in Gabriel eyes there is love, so much love, and longing. Katrina smiles at him, even though it feels faint and trembling. Gabriel returns her smile and quiet understanding passes between them. “Come home?” Katrina whispers.

One side of Gabriel’s mouth pulls up a bit. “Meet me halfway?”

“Always.”

* * *

“Sam!”

Katrina crashes through the door into the lecture hall, not caring a bit about disrupting what is surely a fascinating lesson Admiral Terral is in the process of giving about military history. She ignores his raised, disapproving eyebrow and searches for her daughter in the crowd of students that are staring at her as if she lost her mind. Sam is sitting on the far end of the hall, and when their eyes meet across the room, Katrina can’t keep the smile off her face.

“He’s alive.”

The color drains from Sam’s face before her eyes light up in surprise and sheer joy as the realization sinks in. Without hesitation she grabs her padds, stuffs them into her backpack and rushes across the room. She runs straight into Katrina’s arms and holds on for dear life. “Daddy’s coming home?”

Katrina presses a kiss into her daughter’s hair, immensely grateful that Sam is still able to believe in miracles and doesn’t question it when good things happen to her. “He’s already on his way, Sam. Sarek found him and –”

Sam doesn’t let her finish. Pulling back a little, she simply asks, “When do we leave?”

Katrina huffs out a laugh. “Right now. Grandma and Grandpa are already waiting for us at the docks.”

“Then why are we still here?” Sam asks with a giddy laugh and begins to pull her towards the door.

“Admiral Cornwell, a moment, please.” Terral’s commanding tone stops them in their tracks.

Katrina takes a breath and turns around to face him. “Yes, Admiral?”

“I don’t appreciate you barging in here and interrupting my lecture,” Terral begins and Katrina mentally prepares herself for another dressing-down – one which she deserves, for a change, because she knows better than to interrupt other people’s lectures. But to her surprise Terral says, “However, under these circumstances I believe I can let that slide. Ambassador Sarek and Commander Saru have already informed me of the situation and, given your tendency to impulsiveness, I expected nothing less of you.” He pauses and his stern face softens somewhat. “I am happy for you and your family, Admiral. Bring him home safely.”

Katrina swallows against the sudden rush of emotions Terral’s surprisingly kind words evoke. “I will, Admiral. Thank you.”

Terral inclines his head at her and if Katrina didn’t know better she’d think there’s  a ghost of a smile on his face. Then he turns back to his class and continues his lecture as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, effectively dismissing Katrina and Sam.

Shaking her head softly, Katrina leads her daughter out of the room. She’ll never forgive Terral for sending children to war but she can’t deny that his unexpected ability to empathize changes her opinion of him at least a little bit for the better.

“Come on, Mom!” Sam urges, pulling her through the halls and effectively pulling Katrina from her thoughts. “Hurry up!”

Hurry up? Katrina thinks. With a grin, she starts running and Sam’s laughter follows close behind her as they race through the halls towards the sunlight and what Katrina hopes will be a better future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's actually not much in the way of notes for this chapter. 
> 
> \- There's this phrase Gabriel taught Sam to remember the planets in our solar system which I made up. I don't know if people do this in other countries but in Germany you learn a phrase like that when you're young to help you remember the order of the planets, starting from those closest to the sun. I actually have no idea what children today are taught since Pluto isn't a planet anymore and the phrase I learned doesn't work any longer. 
> 
> \- On that same note, since I'm fond of Pluto I've decided Gabriel is, too, which is the reason why he (not completely seriously) refuses to acknowledge Pluto's non-planetary status. Also, Sam's plush Pluto is an actual thing and it's super cute. Just look it up.


	6. Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back with chapter 6. Sorry for the wait. I kept rewriting the chapter because something wasn't quite right and I hope I've changed it for the better now and you enjoy it. Thanks once more to everyone who's left kudos or a comment! I really appreciate your feedback!

**Chapter 6: Space**

It feels like an eternity until they meet up with _Discovery_.

Since most vessels of the fleet were either destroyed, heavily damaged or scattered across the galaxy on various missions it hadn’t been easy to find one able and willing to take Katrina and her family across what seemed half of space. In the end it was only by sheer luck Katrina found a ship. Repairs on _Erebus_ , a small science vessel, finished earlier than planned, clearing the ship for departure the same day Katrina received Sarek’s call. Katrina’s known _Erebus_ ’s captain, Lori Bennett, for years – since the days of her own captaincy when Bennett had been a science officer under her command. After a short call to explain the situation Bennett had been more than willing to take Katrina, Sam and Gabriel’s parents with her for as long as her mission would allow.

In the end it takes almost four long agonizing days until _Discovery_ appears on _Erebus_ ’s sensors. By the time Bennett summons Katrina to the bridge she’s more than a little relieved the waiting is finally over. She’d never been good at sitting still and doing nothing.

“Admiral.” When Katrina steps out of the turbolift Bennett turns around with a smile on her youthful face. “We are almost within range.”

A few more minutes of waiting that stretch into eternity, of trying not to wring her hands in nervousness, of keeping a calm and neutral face even though inside her emotions are wreaking havoc, and then the communication officer finally announces they’re being contacted.

“On screen,” Bennett commands.

A second later, Saru’s face appears. “Captain Bennett,” he greets with an inclination of his head. His blue eyes flick over to Katrina’s. “Admiral Cornwell. It is good to see you again.”

Katrina smiles at him. “Likewise, Commander.”

“We are prepared to receive you and your family whenever you are ready, Admiral,” Saru says. “One of our passengers is quite anxious to meet you.”

Katrina’s heart warms at the thought though she can’t deny the nervousness tingling just beneath her skin. After her initial talk with Gabriel she’d been almost giddy with happiness and any doubts she’d harbored when Sarek called her had all but disappeared. Her worries hadn’t, though. With every day that passed, with every hour spent waiting to meet Gabriel again, she’d gotten more and more worried about how she’d react when he’d be standing in front of her. It was one thing to talk to him through a computer and quite another to have him physically in the same room with her. A part of her longs to sink into his embrace, to not be alone anymore. But another part – the one the other Lorca so willfully and thoughtlessly hurt and broke and burned with every false smile, touch and word – balks at the thought.

Some days, and most nights, Katrina wants to hate that part of her. She remembers that feeling of self-loathing well. She’d experienced it once before after she came back broken from her first command. Back then it had taken time and patience until she learned to accept that her trauma was now a part of her life and would never go away, not completely. It had been a long personal battle she’d fought with herself then and it would be so again. Katrina knows she can fight it again because letting the other Lorca win is not an option, but she’s also aware it’s going to put a strain on her relationship with Gabriel. She wishes she could spare him the pain of it all, knowing how much it will hurt him when the inevitable happens and their easy closeness becomes another casualty of war.

Katrina’s voice doesn’t betray any of those thoughts when she says, “I’ll see you in ten minutes, Commander.”

Saru nods. “I’m looking forward to it, Admiral.”

The channel closes and Katrina turns to Bennett. “I’d like to thank you again for taking me and my family this far, Captain. We –“

Bennett holds up a hand, effectively stopping her from saying anything else. “There is no need for that, Admiral. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you. If you ever need another ride you only have to ask. There’ll always be a place for you on my ship.”

Katrina reaches out and gently clasps her former officer’s hands. She couldn’t be prouder or more grateful. “Thank you, Lori.”

She gives Bennett a heartfelt smile and, letting go, turns around and leaves the bridge. The doors of the turbolift close behind her and she uses the moment to gather her thoughts. In just a few minutes she’ll meet Gabriel again, something she’d thought impossible just four days ago. After all that waiting it still seems unreal and Katrina doesn’t feel ready for it. She doubts she ever will, no matter how thankful she is for that second chance she’s getting. The fact that her heart is in her throat is testament to that.

The truth is she’s scared. She’s scared of her reaction to him, of not being what Gabriel expects because she knows she’s not the same person he left behind, of losing him all over again. She knows it’s ridiculous – Gabriel loves her, no matter what. He’s proven that countless of times in the past when he stayed by her side though the good and the bad and god knows they’ve been through some pretty rough waters together. She has no reason to think he’ll run away just because she’s a little bit more broken than he remembers but she can’t help it; she’s scared anyway.

The turbolift stops and Katrina wipes her sweaty hands on the fabric of her trousers before she goes to collect her family. She’s not surprised to find them all packed and ready to go. Sam’s wide hopeful eyes meet hers. “Is it time?”

“Yes,” Katrina smiles, trying not to let her own nervousness show. Sam has been so happy and excited about Gabriel’s return that the last thing Katrina wants is to dim that light in her daughter’s eyes with her worries. “From what Commander Saru told me your Dad’s probably already pacing the transporter room impatiently.”

Deliah and Martin share a fond smile. Patience has never been Gabriel’s virtue, at least not when it came to seeing his family again after a mission – and this one has been way too long for anyone’s comfort.

Taking one last final look around the room to make sure they don’t leave anything behind Katrina grabs her bag and follows Sam and Gabriel’s parents out of the room and to the turbolift. The transporter room of _Erebus_ is just two decks down from their quarters so the ride is a short one. Ensign Sattler is already waiting for them when they arrive. His lips are pulled up in a slightly asymmetrical but warm and genuine smile as he waves in greeting. “All ready to go?”

Katrina likes the young man. He’d shown them around when they arrived on _Erebus_ four days ago and even though he is sporting a slight limb that slows him down a little ( _Klingons_ , he’d explained with a slight shudder and Katrina didn’t inquire further, didn’t have to because she _knows_ ) he holds his head up high and refuses to be ashamed of it.

Judging by the light blush on Sam’s cheeks Katrina isn’t the only one the young ensign impressed, albeit for different reasons. Biting her lip in quiet amusement Katrina turns towards Martin and Deliah to give Sam a moment to say goodbye.

“She really likes him, doesn’t she?” Martin whispers with a twinkle in his eye that reminds Katrina of Gabriel.

She resists the urge to look over her shoulder and just smiles. They’d all noticed Sam gravitating towards Ensign Sattler over the last few days. After he showed them the ship Sam had invited him to lunch with them as a thank you. In return he’d asked them if they wanted to join him at the Welcome Reception that evening – an event Captain Bennett had introduced when she became captain of the _Erebus_ and which was held at the beginning of every new mission to greet the crew and allow them to mingle and get to know each other. Katrina, Martin and Deliah had declined Sattler’s invitation but Sam had been eager to go. She’d come back to their shared quarters with a huge grin on her face later that night and Katrina couldn’t have been happier for her. She’d missed seeing Sam so happy.  

“I’ll call you as soon as I’m back on Earth, alright?” Katrina hears Sam whisper behind her. She sounds a little sad and regretful but there’s nothing to be done about that. Parting with loved ones is never easy. Katrina can attest to that.  

“I’ll look forward to it,” Ensign Sattler murmurs. “Take care of yourself, Sam.”

Katrina can hear the smile in Sam’s voice when she says, “You, too, Billy. Be safe.”

A moment later Sam walks up the steps to the transporter platform. Katrina glances at her. “Ready?”

Sam nods. “Ready.”

Katrina flashes her a smile before she turns to Sattler. “Thank you for your hospitality these last few days, Ensign.”

“Oh,” Sattler says, looking faintly embarrassed, “it was no trouble, Admiral. None at all.” He looks down at his console. “ _Discovery_ is ready to receive you, Ma’am.”

Taking a deep, steadying breath, because _this is it_ , Katrina nods at him. “Then beam us over, Ensign. I’ll look forward to our next meeting.”

Poor Ensign Sattler can barely hold her gaze as he types in the command and a moment later Katrina feels the familiar tingle of dematerialization under her skin. Out of the corner of her eyes she sees Sattler giving Sam a sad little wave just before the transporter room of _Erebus_ disappears. In the blink of an eye _Discovery_ ’s transporter room comes into focus instead – and with it a group of people. Saru is the first one she notices thanks to his size. Next to him and significantly smaller is Burnham. On her other side Sarek is standing with his hands clasped behind his back.

And beside him, clad in a blue and golden uniform befitting his rank, is Gabriel.

“Daddy!”

Sam rushes down the platform and straight into Gabriel’s waiting arms. Deliah and Martin are close behind her, wrapping their arms around both of them. Katrina wants nothing more than to join them but she feels rooted to the spot. All she can do is stare as the rest of her family holds him tight.

Gabriel’s eyes meet hers over Sam’s shoulder and Katrina’s known him long enough to realize he’s just as nervous and unsure about seeing her again as she is about seeing him. He may not yet know all that has happened between her and the other Lorca but he knows and probably suspects enough to let her decide how she wants their reunion to go. It’s that look of combined nervousness and reassurance that gives her the confidence she needs to finally step down from the platform and come closer. Gabriel’s eyes are warm and hold no expectations. She loves him so much for that, more than words can say.

“Hey, Kat,” he whispers hoarsely.

Sam, Deliah and Martin let go of him and take a step back to allow them room although Sam stays close enough to hold onto the hem of his uniform jacket. She’d done the same thing as a little girl the first few times Gabriel came back from a mission. Any other time Katrina would have smiled at the familiar gesture but now she only has eyes for Gabriel – Gabriel who is looking at her like she’s one of the wonders of the universe, like she’s the first light he’s seen after months of darkness, like she’s the other half of his soul. If Katrina had any doubts about him being her Gabriel they would have disappeared right now.

“Hello, Gabriel,” she says across the small space that still separates them. She can’t bring herself to take that final step to cross the distance, not yet, not when he looks so much like the Lorca that haunts her dreams, but she can reach out her hand, and she does. Her palm faces upward in invitation and, with such a brilliant boyish smile that it makes Katrina’s heart miss a beat, Gabriel gently places his hand in hers.

She finally has him back.

* * *

The rest of the day is a blur.

After the reunion Katrina’s family retires to their assigned quarters to talk in a more private setting while Katrina follows Saru, Burnham and Sarek to a different deck. It’s not easy letting Gabriel out of her sight again but there’s the matter of the Terran refugees that needs to be addressed and Katrina  would rather do that sooner than later so she can focus completely on Gabriel for the rest of the journey home.

“How many Kelpiens did cross over with Captain Lorca?” Katrina asks Saru as they walk towards the turbolift.

“Seventeen, Admiral,” Saru says in a grave voice.

“Not enough if you ask me,” Burnham mutters beside him. Saru sends her a grateful look.

“Ambassador Sarek told me your counterpart is among them,” Katrina goes on. “How do you feel about that?”

Saru ponders her question for a moment. “It is … interesting,” he finally settles on. “A bit confusing, to be honest, because we’re so alike in some ways but were shaped completely differently by our respective universes. I am glad he escaped, though, and I hope he will find some peace here, as much as that is possible for our species.”

Katrina is glad to hear that. She’s sure not everyone would be so accepting about another version of themselves settling down in their universe. Jealousy and Insecurity can bring out the worst in people, especially when they feel threatened. It’s good to know this won’t be the case here.

“We’ll make sure the Kelpiens receive the best chances we can offer them to build a new life here,” Katrina says. “But to be honest with you this is an unprecedented occasion and I don’t know how exactly the Federation is going to deal with it. It might take a while to figure things out.”

“What exactly does that mean, Admiral?” Burnham asks.

“It means,” Sarek says before Katrina can reply, “that the Federation will not let another Lorca-situation happen that easily.”

Saru looks at him quizzically. “You think they’re spies?”

Katrina sighs. “I don’t,” she clarifies, “but Starfleet and the Federation might. The same goes for Captain Lorca, actually. They won’t let him go either before they’re sure he’s not posing a threat. They’re not too keen on having anyone else from that universe running around freely here, not with the Emperor on the loose.”

Burnham looks unhappy about that. “But they haven’t done anything wrong. That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not,” Katrina agrees. She wonders if Gabriel expects the interrogations that will surely happen once they reach Earth. “But it is what it is and we’ll do our best to get through it as fast as possible so those people can put the past behind them.”

The door in front of Katrina swishes open and for a moment she can do nothing but stare at the sight of so many Kelpiens in one place. They all look dizzyingly similar but after the initial shock wears off Katrina starts to notice subtle differences between them. Some are even taller than Saru while others appear to be built a bit broader. There are two children among them, standing out because of their small size, and they look up at Katrina with wide scared eyes that have already seen so much in their young years – too much, Katrina thinks. Her heart aches for them.

Around the children a few Kelpiens form a defensive line. Their faces and body shapes are a little more rounded and it takes Katrina a second to realize she’s looking at females. With Saru being the only Kelpien in Starfleet and Katrina never having been to Kelpia herself it’s the first time she sees female Kelpiens. Even though they’re not as tall as their male counterparts their stares are so fiercely protective that Katrina feels the urge to take a step back.

She likes them immediately.

One Kelpien hesitantly steps forward and Katrina recognizes him as the Terran Saru. However, where Commander Saru stands proud and tall his counterpart seems to cower, trying to make himself smaller than he is. It’s a sight Katrina’s seen far too often in her long Starfleet career when visiting planets where slavery is common. Seeing a version of Saru reduced to this makes her wish there was a way to save all the Kelpiens that got left behind in the Terran Universe.

“Admiral Cornwell?” Terran Saru asks timidly without meeting her eyes.

Katrina smiles at him and takes a cautious step closer, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. “Mr. Saru,” she begins, “I am very happy to meet you.”

This causes not only the Terran Saru to look up at her in surprise but some of his people as well. “You are?”

“I am,” Katrina nods. “Words cannot express how happy it makes me that you have escaped that dreadful place you came from. In the name of Starfleet I’d like to officially welcome you to our universe.”

“Liar!” a voice hisses from the back. It’s one of the females. Her threat ganglia are out as she gently but firmly pushes the children behind her and out of view. Katrina’s eyes meet hers and there’s so much anger, pain and loathing in them it’s obvious the Kelpien recognizes her from her universe.

Commander Saru steps forward, a stern look on his face. “You will not speak to the admiral like that,” he commands.

The woman snorts. “Already you take away what little freedom we have gained.”

Saru blanches and Katrina knows she has to step in quickly before this escalates. “We are not here to take your freedom of speech away,” she says firmly, “or any other freedom, for that matter. I assume you know my face from your universe.” The female Kelpien nods stiffly. “I thought so. Look, I know you have no reason to believe me but whatever that Katrina Cornwell did to you - I promise you I am not her. I am a psychologist – that means I help people through their trauma and don’t inflict it. I try to heal.” When the Kelpien still looks skeptical, Katrina adds, “And right now I’m here because my … my partner got lost in your universe and for a long time I didn’t know because your version of him came here and played me, played Starfleet. His actions caused a lot of pain and hurt here – and a lot of people lost their lives because of him. His name was Gabriel Lorca.”

Murmuring starts as the Kelpiens look at each other.

“Until four days ago I thought my Gabriel was dead,” Katrina goes on quietly, “and you have no idea how grateful I am to have him back. I didn’t think he’d be able to survive there on his own, especially after what Commander Burnham told me about that place, and about you – how you were kept as slaves and … and food. I am so sorry about that. I know that probably doesn’t mean much coming from me but I really am glad you escaped that hellish place. No one deserves what you’ve been through. I’ve seen it happen far too often in this universe on other planets and it’s … it’s just wrong. It makes me sick.” She wipes a hand across her tired face. “I understand if you don’t want to trust me. Right now I … I have trouble myself separating the two Gabriel Lorca’s in my mind so I don’t blame you if all you see is the other me. But I want you to know that I’m here to help you in any way I can so that you can finally start living the lives that you deserve.”

Slowly, the female Kelpien comes closer. Her two children – and there’s no doubt in Katrina’s mind that they’re hers – are just behind her, keeping close. She comes to a halt just a step away from Katrina and Katrina has to crane her neck to meet her eyes. To her amazement she watches as the Kelpien’s ganglia retreat. “I will hold you to that, Admiral,” the female tells her with a hint of warning in her voice. “We will not be slaves again.”

Katrina nods solemnly. “And I swear to you you won’t. The Federation does not tolerate slavery.”

“Good,” the female Kelpien says, inclining her head in stiff acknowledgement.

“I have to warn you, though. There will be questions when we arrive on Earth,” Katrina tells her and the others because she doesn’t want them to misunderstand Starfleet’s actions. “The situation with the other Gabriel Lorca has put our authorities on high alert. They will want to make sure your story is true and your intentions for coming here are genuine.” The female Kelpien bristles and Katrina puts her hand up. “It’s nothing against you or your people. Gabriel – he will face the same interrogation you will. I wish I could spare you that but they don’t want history repeating itself and honestly, I agree with them, considering all that happened even though I do not share their doubts. I will try my best to make the questioning as short as possible.” She pauses. “I am sorry I can’t offer more than that.”

To her surprise, one of the children – a little girl, as brave as her mother – pokes her head out behind her mother’s back and asks with wide eyes, “Can’t we stay on the ship?”

Katrina crouches down so that she’s on eyelevel with the child, all the while feeling the mother’s watchful gaze on the back of her neck. “I’m afraid that’s not possible. _Discovery_ is not a good place for children. But,” and here she smiles, “when you grow up you can always apply at Starfleet Academy like Commander Saru did and become an officer on one of our starships.”

The girl’s eyes widen even more. “Really?” she asks, looking between Katrina and Saru for confirmation.

Saru nods. “Really. There are a number of different species in Starfleet, and they are all treated equally.”

“Wow,” the girl exclaims, looking a little star-struck. “Mother, I want to become an officer like Commander Saru one day!”

The female Kelpien smiles fondly and the sudden rush of affection and love in her voice makes Katrina long for her own daughter. “We’ll see about that when you’re older, Mira.”

_Mira. The girl is called Mira_ , Katrina thinks in surprise. Burnham’s report on the Terran universe had stated that, as slaves, Kelpiens were denied a name. It makes her unbelievably happy and hopeful to see these survivors already reclaiming a lost part of their lives.

“You know, my own daughter’s attending the Academy right now,” she tells Mira. “Maybe she can tell you a little bit about it while we’re on our way to Earth, hm?”

Mira nods eagerly. “Really? She would do that?”

“I’m sure Sam would,” Katrina says, knowing how much Sam adores children.

“Sam,” Mira says almost reverently. ”That’s a beautiful name.”

Katrina smiles. “Thank you. I’ll be sure to tell her that.”

For another moment she looks at Mira before she straightens and addresses the rest of the Kelpiens once more. “I really hope all of you will find a better future and life here with us. Our universe may not be perfect and neither are we but we try each and every day to be the best version of ourselves we can possibly be. And when that’s not enough we have friends and colleagues we can count on to set us straight if need be.” She shares a quiet smile with Burnham. “I hope you’ll find us worthy of your friendship.”

The female Kelpien regards her quietly before she reaches out her hand. Katrina shakes the long fingers gladly. “You are not who I expected you to be,” is all she says and Katrina takes the compliment for what it is.

The Terran version of Saru offers her his hand, too, following his leader’s example, and one by one the other Kelpiens come closer and do the same. Some of them thank Katrina, others don’t, but they all look her in the eyes without fear. It’s the best Katrina could have hoped for.

* * *

By the time Katrina makes it to her assigned quarters she’s exhausted. After the meeting with the Kelpiens she sat down with _Discovery_ ’s senior officers and Sarek to discuss how to best approach the upcoming interrogation. They decided to prepare statements in favor of Gabriel and the Kelpiens and to continue the report Saru and Burnham have already began writing with the help of Gabriel and Nara, the female Kelpien leader, so Starfleet can get an overview of everything that led to them coming (or in Gabriel’s case returning) to this universe. It’s all they can do without knowing how exactly Starfleet and the Federation will handle the interrogation but at least it’s something that will show Command they’re prepared for a fight.

The meeting goes on for so long Katrina misses dinner with her family. By the time she finally returns to her quarters she’s not only tired but hungry as well. To her surprise a pile of sandwiches is waiting for her on the coffee table when she steps through the door.

“I thought you might be hungry,” Gabriel says softly.

His voice startles her. Katrina’s head whips around and she almost takes an involuntary step backwards. The apologetic look in his eyes stops her. “Sorry,” he says regretfully.

Gabriel has exchanged his uniform for a pair of comfortable sweatpants and a simple white shirt. He looks good, a bit softer around the edges without the blue and gold and air of command. Most importantly, he looks as different from the other Lorca as he possibly can for which Katrina is grateful. She wonders if that was Gabriel’s intention all along but she doesn’t ask. “Don’t be. I’m starving, actually,” she says instead.

She feels Gabriel’s eyes on her all the way to the couch. He makes no move to join her when she sits down and instead stands awkwardly on the threshold to the bedroom. “Commander Saru thought we’d appreciate to share quarters,” he begins, hesitation clear in his voice. Katrina’s eyes dart across the room and sure enough there are little signs everywhere of Gabriel’s presence: a second toothbrush visible through the open bathroom door, a jacket thrown carelessly over the back of a chair, a pair of shoes standing neatly next to the door. “He meant well, of course,” Gabriel goes on, “but if this makes you uncomfortable I can share rooms with Sam or Mom and Dad instead.”

Katrina’s chest tightens when she hears that. There’s so much pain and uncertainty in his voice and she hates that he guesses his every movement around her, especially when he doesn’t even know the reason for it yet.

Smiling softly, sadly, she pats the empty space next to her. “Join me?”

Gabriel does, though he makes sure there’s enough space between them for another person to sit. She can’t deny that part of her is relieved he keeps his distance but at the same time she doesn’t want him to walk on eggshells around her. It makes her want to scream because that’s not how they’re supposed to be.

Suddenly, Katrina doesn’t feel hungry anymore. With a sigh, she puts down her half-eaten sandwich and turns to him. “We should talk.”

Gabriel nods. “Yeah, I figured. That’s why Sam’s with Mom and Dad right now.”

They’re both quiet for a moment and the silence between them is heavy and uncomfortable. Gabriel looks a little lost as he pulls his legs up onto the couch and wraps his arms around them. “I honestly don’t know where to start,” he says with a chuckle that sounds a little self-deprecating.

“How about with what happened to you?” Katrina encourages him softly, mirroring his pose.

“And where do I start with that?” Gabriel asks quietly. His eyes briefly meet Katrina. “I have no idea how I ended up in that place, Kat. One moment I was in my quarters on the _Buran_ and in the blink of an eye I wasn’t. I mean, I was. They were still my quarters, it was still the _Buran_ , only … not. It was different in subtle ways – different sheets on the bed, different items lying around, that kind of stuff. Everything felt off and wrong, somehow, but at the time I couldn’t pinpoint why exactly. I just knew something had happened and changed, and not for the better. It wasn’t until I tried accessing the computer and saw the Terran symbol instead of the Federation logo that I realized I wasn’t home anymore. I got off that ship as fast as I could.”

“How?” Katrina asks.

Gabriel shrugs like it’s nothing. “Donned some civilian clothes, loaded as much data as possible onto a padd, grabbed a phaser, sneaked through the Jefferies tubes and stole a shuttle.” He grins a little. “Not exactly heroic but very effective. I was long gone before they noticed me missing.”

“And then?”

“Then,” Gabriel says, “I made sure they couldn’t trace me and landed on a class M planet as far away from my original position as possible to get my bearings. It was quite peaceful there, no sentient life around and no predators. I got a lucky break and had time to sift through all the data I stole and replenish my resources.”

“It must have been quite a shock to realize you were in a different universe,” Katrina remarks quietly.

Gabriel huffs out a laugh. “You have no idea. Starfleet didn’t exactly cover this in Survival Strategies 101. But you know me, Kat. I’m not one for dwelling on the past for too long. After getting the big picture my mind was busy trying to find a way home.”

His eyes lock onto Katrina’s and she knows home, in this case, doesn’t just mean this universe or Earth. It means her, and their family. The thought makes her smile.  

“How did you manage to do that?” she asks. “The one time we crossed over was an accident, most likely instigated by the other Lorca, and it had devastating consequences for _Discovery_ ’s crew.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about what happened to Lieutenant-Commander Stamets,” Gabriel acknowledged solemnly. “To be honest I’m not really sure how we managed to end up back here. I didn’t play a huge part in that. That was mainly the Resistance.”

Katrina looks at him in surprise. “The one Commander Burnham encountered?”

Gabriel shakes his head. “Burnham encountered the Rebellion. The Resistance is quite another thing. Their focus is on helping individuals hunted by the system instead of fighting the big fight, though Resistance and Rebellion sometimes work together.”

“Is that why so many Kelpiens came here with you?” Katrina asks. “Because the Resistance freed them?”

Gabriel smiles at her. “Exactly. They take in lost souls and help those in need. I didn’t know it at the time but the planet I landed on was one of their secret bases. They found me after a while, don’t remember how long it was, and when I told them my story they decided to help me.” He shakes his head. “It took us months to figure out a way back here, what with being on the run and having limited resources. In the end it was L’Rell and Dennas who came up with an idea – don’t ask me what it was, I didn’t really understand it, to be honest, but it worked.”

“L’Rell,” Katrina can’t help but ask flatly, “and Dennas?”

Gabriel frowns at her. “You know them?”

“Better than I’d like,” Katrina grimaces. “Dennas was part of a Klingon force that captured me on Cancri IV and L’Rell …” She shakes her head. “L’Rell is complicated.”

Gabriel looks like he wants to ask her what she means but in the end he shakes his head to dismiss the thought and says, “Well, they were the brains of the Resistance along with Nara – I’m sure you’ve met her earlier when you went to see the Kelpiens – and they got me home. Nara overlooked the modifications of the shuttle. She’s a genius mechanic, Kat,” he says, a hint of admiration in his voice. “It took a while until we found the necessary parts and were sure the shuttle wouldn’t fall apart while crossing over. Then news of the disappearance of the Emperor hit us and chaos spread through the whole Terran Empire. The plan was put on hold for a while to get as many innocent people out of the crossfire as we could – that’s how Saru came to be with us. He was the one who told me about Burnham being there.” He raked a hand through his short hair. “We waited a few more weeks until things died down a bit to execute our plan. Some of the Kelpiens needed medical aid before they could make the trip. That’s why I’m so late,” he adds quietly.

“You’re not late,” Katrina whispers. “We thought you were dead, Gabriel. All this, you – it’s a miracle as it is.”

Gabriel’s eyes grow sad. “There were days I thought I’d never see you or Sam again, days when I almost gave up and could only hope and pray you were alright.”

“I did give up on you, you know?” Katrina confesses. She looks away in shame, unable to meet Gabriel’s eyes. “I didn’t think you could survive on your own in that place. I’m sorry I didn’t have more faith in you.”

“Kat,” Gabriel says, so softly that it makes Katrina turn her head to look at him as if a gentle hand on her chin had guided her – a year ago it would have. “I was in another universe, a nightmare version of ours. You had no reason to believe I even survived the swap with the other me, much less stayed alive in that place for more than a year or had a way to return. I don’t blame you for that so you don’t have to, either.”

Katrina gives him a quick, faint smile. “Easier said than done.”

“I know,” Gabriel says. “It probably won’t make you feel better but I never expected you to come for me. I didn’t think Starfleet had the means to, to be honest, and I wasn’t sure you were even aware I was missing. I thought – I don’t know, that the other me went into hiding or something when he arrived here and there was no reason to look for me.”

Katrina’s heart breaks a little when she hears that. “I wish he’d done that,” she murmurs. “Would have spared all of us a lot of pain. But no, he had to go and play the part. And the worst thing is I let him! I let him take your place even though I knew something was up, something was _wrong_ and I didn’t even realize my mistake until it was too late. How could I not know?” she asks, still so angry at herself for what happened – for what she allowed to happen. “How the hell could I not see he wasn’t you?”

Instead of answering her question Gabriel asks, “What happened, Kat?”

She can’t meet Gabriel’s eyes when she begins to tell her story. She starts with the day the _Buran_ was destroyed, talks about the other Lorca’s strange behavior and how she put it down to his recent traumatic experience and the subsequent estrangement between them. When she mentions Merkin Gabriel’s eyes light up a little. “You really got me a tribble after all this time?”

Katrina shrugs half-heartedly. “You … well, he had just lost his ship and crew. He was acting so weird and we were kind of desperate. It was Sam’s idea, really. She thought a tribble would help but he didn’t care much for it.”

“He’s an idiot,” Gabriel tells her. “I can’t wait to meet my tribble. Please tell me you’ve kept him?”

Katrina smiles. “Of course we did.”

She continues with Starfleet’s decision to put the other Lorca in charge of _Discovery_ , how she tried to make them see he wasn’t ready and was ignored and dismissed like she was nothing more than a hysterical housewife. Gabriel grits his teeth in anger when he hears that but doesn’t interrupt her. Katrina is glad he doesn’t because it takes all her strength and courage to talk about what happened the next time she saw the other Lorca.

“He was different when we met again on _Discovery_ ,” she whispers, wringing her hands in her lap in nervousness, “more flirty, more … you, in a way. I’d become so used to him being so distant that the moment he pulled out the whiskey and turned his charm on I couldn’t resist.” Tears of shame fill her eyes even after all this time and she tries to blink them away. “I slept with him.”

“I thought so,” Gabriel says quietly. The lack of accusation in his voice makes Katrina look up. “When Sarek told me he impersonated me I figured as much.”

Katrina regards him warily. “You don’t sound angry …”

“Oh, I am angry, don’t get me wrong,” Gabriel says and Katrina’s face falls, “but not at you, Kat. Never at you.”

“Why not? I certainly am,” she says because she doesn’t understand. “And you have every right to be as well.”

Gabriel smiles at her but it’s sad and doesn’t reach his eyes. “Do I, though? You didn’t do anything wrong, Kat. You just wanted me back, and god, if I can’t understand that. I’d have given my left arm to see you again while I was over there. It’s not your fault he took advantage of that. The fact that he knew we’d been together for decades and decided to use that against you – I can’t even begin to tell you how much that sickens me. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

“To us,” Katrina corrects him, staring at the empty space between them. “You’re facing the consequences just as much as I am.”

“But I don’t see a monster when I look at the person I love,” Gabriel reminds her quietly, his voice full of pain.

Katrina averts her gaze and swallows, hard. She is dimly aware of her fingernails leaving sharp imprints on her hands. “It’s not just because I slept with him, because he used me I can’t … can’t get close to you right now. Afterwards, when it was over, he pointed a phaser at me,” she whispers. “It was my own fault, in a way, because I startled him. He apologized at once when he realized what he was doing but that doesn’t change the fact I was terrified of him. Of you.” She takes a deep breath and meets Gabriel’s eyes. “It’ll take time to get over that.”

Gabriel nods solemnly. “I understand.”

From the look in his eyes Katrina is sure he’s remembering the first time they went through this. “Yeah, you do,” she agrees quietly. Her eyes fall to his hands that are still wrapped around his knees. She wants to reach out, to cross the distance, but she can’t, not yet – not when she still has so much to say and her heart beats a panicked staccato in her chest just thinking about touching him.

“I got taken prisoner the next day,” she continues. “It was supposed to be a meeting for a peace treaty on a neutral planet. Turned out it was a trap. I sometimes wonder if the other Lorca had anything to do with it because it sure as hell was convenient for him to have me out of the way like that after I threatened to have him removed from command. The one thing I know for sure, though, is that he left me there to die.”

Gabriel closes his eyes in sympathy. “That must have hurt, to think that I abandoned you like that.”

Katrina nods. “It did. I just couldn’t understand what happened to you to make you so … cold. I was scared for Sam as well, feared that he’d hurt her, too, while I wasn’t there to protect her.”

“Did he?” Gabriel asks warily.

“No,” Katrina says. “His only goal was to get back to his universe. Sam was far enough away not to get in the way of his plans.”

Gabriel lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s something, at least.”

“Yeah.” Katrina proceeds to tell him about her time in captivity, the torture she endured, the wounds she suffered during her escape attempt with L’Rell and how Burnham and Tyler stumbled upon her by pure accident. She tells him of her fears of returning to _Discovery_ and the other Lorca finishing the job he had started and about waking up first on Starbase 88 and later on Earth after her surgery and the relief she felt, even though it was short-lived. “It was there we learned _Discovery_ had been destroyed,” she says. “At the time we didn’t know it was the Terran version. We thought you were dead.”

“Oh, Kat,” Gabriel whispers. He looks like he’s itching to reach out to her and draw her close. Katrina can’t begin to imagine how much willpower it costs him not to do that.

“For a while, the world just seemed to stop, you know?” she goes on quietly. “I focused on getting better, getting back on my feet – quite literally. But your death hung over all of us like a shadow and we were so … lost in our grief. Even after everything he did to me I missed you with every beat of my heart. On your birthday I completely lost it because I’d tried so hard not to think about you that I actually forgot what day it was. I felt so unbelievably guilty, Gabriel.”

Gabriel swallows hard. “Over there,” he begins, “I had trouble keeping track of the dates. It didn’t seem important when every day was the same, you know? It wasn’t until the Resistance found me that I realized how much time had passed. I’d missed both your and my Mom’s birthday. I felt absolutely terrible.”

Katrina offers him a sympathetic smile. “We’ll have other birthdays now and we’ll make them count.” Taking a deep breath, she continues her story. She tells him about her meeting with Terral and how he sent her into the war on crutches. The look in Gabriel’s eyes is one of terrifying fury on her behalf and Katrina silently pities Terral because she knows Gabriel will give him a piece of his mind when they meet again and Terral won’t know what hit him. Gabriel’s anger doesn’t completely go away when she talks about the war and the losses they took but it mellows and mingles with sadness and grief. She tries to keep it brief for both their sakes’ because those months of scrambling after the Klingons, always a step behind, always too late, are ones she’d rather not revisit in detail.

“Things changed when _Discovery_ appeared on our sensors, out of nowhere. It was then I finally learnt what had happened to you. I actually phasered a bowl of fortune cookies because I was so angry at him.”

Gabriel’s lips pull up in a mixture of pride and amusement. “That’s my Kat,” he says fondly.

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have a lot of time to come to terms with it all because just a short while later we arrived at Starbase 1 to find Klingons had destroyed it and killed everyone on it, including most of Command. At the time I thought Sam was stationed there,” she adds in a quiet whisper.

Gabriel stares at her in outrage, though Katrina knows it’s not directed at her. “Why would Sam be stationed on a starbase? She’s a first-year cadet!”

Katrina gives him a tired smile. “We were losing the war. Command was so desperate they sent cadets into the fight. I tried to reason with them but, well, I’m just a hysterical mother, aren’t I?” She almost spits out the words. “The only reason Sam wasn’t on Starbase 1 was because her ship was delayed by technical issues. That’s what saved her life. Some technical malfunctions. It was pure luck.”

“Good god,” Gabriel says, wiping a hand across his face. Katrina knows it’s a lot to take in and she gives him time to work through it. “How many students were lost?”

Katrina shakes her head. “You don’t want to know. Too many. But that didn’t matter to me at that time. When we arrived at Starbase 1 Commander Saru had to take over because I couldn’t think about anything except Sam and completely froze on the bridge. I thought I’d lost her, too.”

Gabriel bites his lips, his eyes wet. “I wish I could hug you right now.”

“Me, too.”

Katrina tells him the rest of the story – how she considered blowing up Qo’noS, how Burnham convinced her to end the war on a more peaceful note, how they let Emperor Georgiou go (Gabriel grimaces when he hears that) and how the war ended with a lot of commendations and even more burials. “I’m teaching at the Academy now,” she finishes. Her mouth is dry and with her free hand she reaches for the glass of water on the table. “I’m done with space adventures and people’s lives depending on my decisions, Gabriel.”

“Compared to what you went through I think I got off lightly being stuck in the Terran universe,” Gabriel remarks. He sounds shocked, still reeling from everything she told him.

Katrina shakes her head. “Don’t say that. Just because our experiences haven’t been the same doesn’t make mine any worse than yours. They’re just different.”

“I know that,” Gabriel assures her. “It’s just – god, this is so much worse than what I imagined. If I’d known what you were going through here I’d have tried harder to come back, made them send me back faster.” He looks at her helplessly. “I should have tried harder.”

His hand reaches for hers where it is resting on her knee. Katrina knows it’s an involuntary reaction on Gabriel’s part and he’s not out to hurt her but she panics anyway. All she sees is another Gabriel Lorca reaching for her and she flinches violently. Her heart is hammering in her chest and before she even knows what’s happening she’s jumped off the couch and pressing her back almost painfully against the wall on the far side of the room.

Gabriel’s face is absolutely stricken as he looks at her, hand trembling and still raised in mid-air. “Oh god, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to –“

Katrina shakes her head and tries to get her erratic breathing back under control. Swallowing around the lump in her throat, she chokes out, “No, it’s not your fault. You just startled me. Just give me a moment.”

“I shouldn’t have reached out,” Gabriel says guiltily, sounding every bit as broken as Katrina feels. “I should know better. I used to, once.” He wipes a hand across his tired face. “Maybe it’s better if I go now.”

“No!” Katrina blurts out. When his eyes snap up to meet her she takes a shuddering breath and pushes herself away from the wall. It’s a different kind of panic that takes hold of her now. The moment of terror has passed and instead of it the fear of losing Gabriel for good settles heavily in her stomach. She’s sure that if she lets her trauma define them, if she lets him leave now, they might never find their way back to each other – and she won’t have that, she won’t let the other Lorca ruin them.

Taking a determined step forward, towards Gabriel, Katrina repeats quietly, “No. It won’t make things better if you leave now. We’ve always given physical affection freely, Gabriel. I want to get that back. I need to get that back, alright?” She waits until Gabriel nods. “This won’t be the last time you’ll trigger me. We both know this. We’ve done this rodeo before. We know it’s going to be rough and there’ll be setbacks but I need you not to treat me like glass, Gabriel. It won’t help to avoid these situations, no matter how much it pains us.” She takes another deep breath, coming to a decision. “I want you to stay here tonight. With me.”

Up until this moment Katrina hadn’t been sure whether she wanted Gabriel to spend the night in their shared quarters or not. But now, seeing him like this, so full of regret and guilt because of something he’s done a thousand times before, she knows there’s only one way they can go from here: forward, together.

“Are you sure?” Gabriel asks in a small voice. “I don’t want you to spend the night lying awake because you’re afraid.”

“We’ll put some pillows between us,” Katrina says, taking another step closer even though that hated part of hers tells her to run. She ignores it. “And if that doesn’t help I can always move to the couch.” She crosses the final distance between them and holds out a shaking hand. “It’s been a long day. I think we both deserve some rest.”

For a moment Gabriel hesitates. His eyes meet hers and he’s silently asking for reassurance that this is what Katrina really wants. She nods once, twice, until he slowly raises his hand. His fingers barely brush her skin. She lets them linger against her fingertips for a moment before she gently links them with hers. She’d never held hands with the other Lorca like that. It’s something that still belongs to them.

“See?” she says with a trembling smile, knowing Gabriel can feel the tremors running through her. “We can do this.”

Gabriel gives her one of his quirky half-smiles she loves so much. It’s a little shaky around the edges but Katrina doesn’t mind. They’ll get there, eventually. Not today, not tomorrow, but some day.

For now, that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure how far I want this story to go. It's already longer than I planned and originally I wanted to end things with this chapter but I feel there's more to tell, especially since Kat and Gabriel haven't really found their way back to each other yet. So I wanted to ask you, dear readers, whether you'd like to see more (one or two chapters, maybe) or prefer to tie things up in a short epilogue. 
> 
> Also, some quick notes:  
> \- I chose "space" as the chapter title because of the literal and metaphorical space Katrina and Gabriel have to cross in this chapter. 
> 
> \- The ship name "Erebus" comes from a Royal Navy ship that got lost on the Franklin expedition along with the HMS Terror in the 1800's while trying to find the Northwest Passage. I recently saw the TV series "The Terror" which puts a supernatural spin on that lost expedition and which served as inspiration. I highly recommend that series. 
> 
> \- Ensign William "Billy" Sattler gets his name from two of my favorite Jurassic Park charakters, Ellie Sattler and Billy Brennan. 
> 
> \- The Resistance is a thing I made up. I actually don't know a lot about the mirror universe and the Rebellion since my primary Star Trek show is Voyager and Janeway didn't have to deal with that on top of everything else. So what little I know comes from watching Discovery and it kind of served the story's purpose to make the Rebellion we see in the series into an active force and have the Resistance be more like a safe haven for lost souls that can't or won't fight. I hope this makes sense. 
> 
> \- Gabriel describes Nara, the female Kelpien, as a mechanic. My headcanon is that Nara was a personal slave to some Terran officer with a mechanical background and secretly learned as much as she could until she managed to steal a shuttle and escape with her two daughters. She's got a natural talent for mechanics and continued to learn when she met up with the Resistance.


End file.
